• There were just too many deaths happening too often this past couple of weeks. We were usually reminded that those who passed on too early, were beloved of Allah. They were gone too soon, cause Allah loves them more, and they were blessed to no longer sin on this brief Dunya. 

    I've lost quite a handful of those I admired. Those who I cherished, and those who I loved. It broke my heart every time the news was passed on. My soul sunk, and the grieving was endless. I always reminded myself that, this part of life is just temporary, and a rather pitstop before all of us gather in the hereafter, insyaAllah. 

    Dealing with death was quite overwhelming to be very honest. One minute you were processing the news still, one minute the body of the one you love is in front of you, ready for burial. Burial/Funeral, on the other hand, is equally sorrowful, and humbling. It's the experience of it all, knowing that your life is short, that you needed to be kind and to love, and to spread good, and like how the hands of time were ticking, so does your life. 

    In the whole ordeal, you gotta be prepared physically and utmost important, mentally. You gotta keep strong, but never invalidate that you needed to grieve. Cry when it hurts the most, those tears will eventually wipe away the heavy burden on the shoulders. It's the only mechanism to express the sadness, the despair, the loss. 

    Fix your intentions to finish arwah's business on Dunya, and left no regrets in saying goodbye. Celebrate the well-lived life, and reflects on all the goods and kindness done by arwah. Always, always, always, say thanks to those who came, who've helped, pre, during, and post-funerals. 

    Finally, pray tirelessly, pray for arwah's business in the hereafter, and pray for those who still live, so that we could all leave this brief Dunya, in Husnul Khatimah. Amin-amin, ya Rabbal Al-Amin. 

  • Semua orang berlenggang tenang dengan persiapan Hari Raya Aidiladha kali ini. Yelah, dah dapat pengumuman seawal 2 minggu sebelum tarikh hari raya, tak macam Raya Aidilfitri tempoh hari, seusai maghrib baru diumum yang keesokkan harinya raya, semua orang trending-kan #PanikRaya, satu Malaysia kelam kabut membuat persiapan minit terakhir.

    Jumaat | 08.07.2022
    Aku dapat berita dari kak Farah yang Opah demam dan tak sedarkan diri. Musim influenza ni, senang sangat nak berjangkit dengan orang yang bersimptom. Dah pakai pelitup muka waima seratus kali apply hand sanitizer pun, kalau nak kena tu, tak kira tempat dan masa. Kes makin tinggi, kebanyakkan yang kronik dari kalangan anak kecil dan orang tua.

    Kak Farah, Mak dengan Abah yang bawa Opah ke klinik untuk pemeriksaan. Tekanan darah Opah tinggi, dia lemah sebab tiada makanan dalam sistem. Mungkin kerana demamnya tu lagi, jadikan Opah tak berselera seperti biasa. 

    Sabtu | 09.07.2022
    Aku dah memang berniat nak balik kampung hujung minggu tu, tapi tak sangka hujung minggu kali ni, akan jadi hujung minggu paling berbeza pernah aku harungi.

    Lepas urusan rumah sewa baru aku, Kak Yan jemput aku, kami bertolak balik ke kampung, satu kereta. Masa aku sampai dengan Kak Yan, jemaah surau baru balik dari takbir raya. Mak bising sebab kitorang balik lambat, biasalah mak kan. Takde apa yang nak diusaikan malam tu, sebab Raya Haji kan? tak semeriah Aidilfitri. Ala kadar je persiapan.

    Malam tu aku mengomel sendiri sebab bahang satu rumah, dengan cuaca tak menentu, tapi tak hujan, buatkan rumah tu lagi panas. Aku membebel sorang2, mana tau pagi tu hujan. 

    Ahad | 10.07.2022
    Seluruh isi bumi yang beragama Islam menyambut Hari Raya Aidiladha, ada yang terlibat dengan ibadah korban, menguruskan lembu2, kambing2 korban, tapi hari tu, masih lagi panas. Takbir raya bergema selepas solat sunat hari raya pagi itu. Cuaca tak begitu terik, tapi tak ada pula tanda2 nak hujan. Seharian tu, ada juga jiran tetangga yang ziarah raya, rumah kami masak ala kadar, rendang ayam, kuah lodeh, nasi impit. Terasalah lauk raya tu, taklah hambar sangat hari raya pertama. 

    Petang tu, Abah sibuk dengan jemaah surau melapah daging kurban, sebab ketua yang mengepalai korban tahun ni baru dapat hantar lembu, kambing yang dah siap disembelih di pusat sembelihan pada sebelah petang. Dia pun sibuk seharian, ramai yang perlukan khidmat sembelihannya sepanjang hari. 

    Aku, Kak Yan, Kak Farah dgn Abg Mie borak kosong petang tu sementara menunggu Angah dan Kak Ipar aku tiba ke rumah. Sambil Kak Farah tak berhenti WhatsApp dengan Mak Su. Katanya mereka di hospital Sungai Buloh, sebab bawa Opah ke kecemasan. 

    Tersentak masing2 dengan berita tu. Aku ingatkan Opah demam biasa je, dan lepas hari Jumaat tempoh hari, keadaan Opah semakin okay, ternyata keadaan Opah semakin teruk dan terpaksa dikejarkan ke kecemasan lepas zohor petang tadi. Mak Su hantar pesanan ringkas pada Kak Farah, berkongsi keadaan Opah, katanya Opah dah ditidurkan kerana tekanan darah dan oksigen sangat rendah. Dari pesanan WhatsApp Mak Su, doktor minta waris, anak cucu datang melawat Opah, kerana beliau semakin tenat. 

    Terus Kak Farah call Abah yang berada di surau untuk balik bersiap untuk ke hospital, kami semua yang berada di depan, macam lipas kudung sarung baju sopan untuk keluar, seraya bila jam lewat pukul 7PM, Abah dapat panggilan dari Achik, aku dan Mak berdiri terpacak menunggu dengan resah. Raut muka Abah jelas riak terkejut yang amat sangat. Berita yang paling ditakuti menjadi nyata. Opah menghembuskan nafasnya yang terakhir tepat jam 7:06PM di wad kecemasan, Hospital Sungai Buloh. Hampir serentak, aku, Mak, dan Abah terduduk. 

    "Innalillahiwainnalillahirojiun" Ya Allah, Opah yang kami santuni sejak dari kecil, telah pergi mengadap Illahi. Laju kaki aku menyampai berita kepada yang lain yang sedang bersiap. Masing2 terpinga. Keliru dan terkejut. Apa yang baru mereka dengar tadi? Aku jadi tukang sampaikan berita pun tak percaya. Ya Allah, luruh jantung berita seberat ini. Berat benar dugaan Aidiladha tahun ni.

    Waktu itu juga, aku, Kak Farah, Kak Yan, Abah dan Achik bergegas ke hospital. Suasana di dalam kereta sepanjang perjalanan begitu sugul. Masing2 berdiam diri, hanya bunyi sekaan air mata Achik yang berhenti sekejap2, meresik hidung, dan pedal minyak ditekan laju. 

    Di wad kecemasan, kami terserempak dengan Ijah dan Intan (anak Achik: sepupu aku) dan Mak Su, aku terus peluk Ijah seeratnya. Dia hamburkan tangisan semahunya, yang bersisa, aku yakin tangisannya lebih kuat beberapa waktu tadi ketika perkhabaran pemergian Opah, asbab dia yang berada di situ menemani detik2 terakhir Opah di dunia ini. 

    Usai kami uruskan urusan tuntutan jenazah Opah, Pak Long dan Mak Long tiba di Jabatan Forensik. Words were spreaded. Akan lebih ramai yang menziarahi jenazah Opah malam ini. Terketar tangan ini mengisi surat kematian Opah sendiri. Semacam tak percaya, aku mengisi surat mati orang yang pernah menyuap makanan kepadaku ketika kecil dulu. Hampir satu jam menunggu van jenazah dari Masjid Jamek Batu Arang, aku, Kak Farah dan Kak Yan iring van jenazah dari belakang, pandu perlahan sampai ke rumah. Aku sempat call Abg Mie untuk kemas rumah, saudara mara akan datang untuk penghormatan terakhir arwah. Langit malam itu sayup tak berangin, awan mendung seakan berarak mengiringi jenazah pulang ke rumah.

    Usai bacaan Yassin pertama kali untuk arwah Opah, Angah, Kak Ipar, Abah dan Mak bergilir menjaga jenazah. Saudara yang baru tiba dari kampung satu persatu tiba sekitar 1AM-3AM, dan seterusnya sehingga ke azan subuh. Pagi Isnin itu, sebaik azan subuh berkumandang, langit bercucuran hujan lebat selebatnya. Se;epas hujan berhenti sekitar jam 7:30 pagi, perkarangan rumah penuh dengan saudara mara, jiran tetangga, dan sahabat handai, baik dari belah Mak Abah, mahupun arwah Opah sendiri. 

    Isnin | 11.07.2022
    Pagi itu, pemandu van jenazah tiba, tetamu yang hadir mengiringi jenazah dibawa masuk ke dalam van untuk diuruskan di Masjid Jamek Batu Arang. Aku terserempak saudara sebelah Mak, kami masuk ke perut masjid. Beberapa orang jemaah masjid sudah mulai bacaan Yassin. Aku ikut serta jemaah menghabiskan satu bacaan. Usai, aku menunggu jenazah dimandikan, Kak Yan missed call, katanya semua orang bergilir mengucup jenazah buat kali terakhir, berlari aku ke tempat pengurusan jenazah, tapi terlambat, kerana jenazah Opah sudah selesai dimandikan, dikafankan, diikat kemas, dan dialih ke dalam keranda untuk dibawa masuk ke dalam ruang solat masjid bagi urusan solat jenazah. 

    Abah mengimamkan solat jenazah arwah Opah. Pagi itu, dalam sejarah kehidupan singkat aku, dan pengalaman sebesar kuman dalam ikut serta jemaah solat jenazah, aku menangis semahunya kerana aku tahu, di hadapan aku itu, adalah wanita yang penting bagi aku, tetapi lebih penting buat Abahku. 

    Serak basah, pecah suara Abah, dengan doa lantangnya menjadi hambur tangis. 
    "Ya Allah. Kau ampunkanlah dosa ibuku. Ya Allah, Kau ampunkanlah dosa ibuku, Ya Allah..." tak tersambung doa Abah, bila tangisannya makin memberat. Hampir aku terdengarkan seluruh jemaah menahan tangis, tapi tidak aku. Tangisan ini tidak tertahan. 

    Selepas doa ringkas, Abah mengadap jemaah. 
    "Apa kita katakan kepada mayat ini?" dibalas "Baik!" oleh para jemaah. Diulang 3 kali. Lalu dengan 3 kali langkah perlahan ke van jenazah, diselangi dengan bacaan Al-Fatihah yang diketuai oleh Imam. Lalu disorong keranda berhati2 ke dalam van jenazah. Jemaah masjid sekalian usai ke tanah perkuburan. 

    Sejujurnya sepanjang bacaan Yassin tadi, aku dah berniat, aku akan masuk ke dalam kubur untuk  menyambut jenazah Opah, dan semadikan ke tempat tidurnya yang terakhir di bumi ini. Alhamdulillah, I did what I intended. Aku, Angah, dan Along masuk ke lubang kubur, dan sambut jenazah Opah perlahan, dan perlahan kami baringkan di tempat pembaringannya untuk menemui Allah swt. Aku dengar dengan teliti setiap arahan dari mereka yang bertugas. 

    "Buka ikatan Opah tu Nas, biar nampak muka, jangan buka luas sangat bahagian dada tu, kemaskan balik elok2" setiap arahan mereka aku turut. Dari A-Z semuanya perlu tertib. 

    "Buat pelan2 je, tak payah gopoh, buat kemas2" ujar petugas itu lagi.

    "Miringkan badan Opah ke rusuk kanan," kemudian mereka bergilir memberi ketulan tanah yang dah diketul-bulatkan, dan aku diberi satu yang leper, "Letak yang leper tu dekat pipi kanan Opah, Nas" 

    Ketulan tanah yang dibulat2kan tadi, disendal di belakang badan Opah, supaya jenazah tidak bergerak. Kemudian kami susun pula papan kayu untuk menutup liang lahad. Sebelum kami bertiga naik ke atas, kami kambus sedikit tanah agar papan kayu tidak bergerak. Sedikit demi sedikit, kubur dikambus, perlahan-lahan juga jenazah Opah tidak lagi kelihatan, walaupun dari sekecil ruang di antara papan kayu itu. Petugas kubur mengambil alih dengan jentolak, mengambus tanah lebih cepat dengan kuantiti lebih banyak. Kubur Opah semakin meninggi dengan tanah merah. 

    Orang ramai hanya memerhati sayu. Cuaca pagi yang mendung, meredup, memayungi umat manusia di tanah perkuburan itu. Dibentang 2 tikar mengkuang mengadap kubur, dan Abah duduk di hadapan, mengetuai talkin.

    Sekali lagi episod airmata berulang, dan tiada siapa yang dapat menahan sebak pabila Abah pecah suara, ujar Abah dalam talkinnya. 

    "Wahai Ibuku, tetapkanlah hatimu, inilah saat dugaan yang paling besar. Ingatlah wahai Ibuku, bahawa Ibu sekarang telah tinggal di dalam alam Barzakh..." suara Abah tersekat di kerongkong, tangisannya memecah sunyi, yang lain turut serta menangis. Sambung Abah lagi "...sehingga sampai saatnya Ibu akan dibangunkan semula untuk dihimpunkan di Padang Mahsyar..." Sambung Abah lagi "Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, kami merayu dan bermohon kepada Mu supaya tidak diseksa mayat ibu kami ini Ya Allah..." tangisan Abah bertambah kuat. "Kasihanilah ibu kami Ya Allah, kerana Engkaulah Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang." 

    Aku yang berdiri di belakang abah, tidak tertahan dengan talkin yang menginsafkan, menyayat hati, perutusan terakhir seorang anak kepada ibunya, Allahuakbar. Abah gagah menyusun sisa kudrat dan semangatnya, untuk menghabiskan talkinnya. 

    Pagi itu, aku menyaksikan sendiri suatu kelemahan yang ditakuti kaum Adam. Dikaburi dengan toksik maskuliniti, yang kononnya membuat seorang lelaki itu kurang bersifat jantannya, kurang ''kelelakiannya''. Kami bersalaman dengan jemaah masjid, saudara mara yang hadir, dan berterima kasih kepada mereka yang sudi membantu dalam urusan pengebumian jenazah Opah kami. 

    Hari mulia yang seharusnya disambut dengan gelak tawa meraikan Aidiladha, things just turn left. The literal meaning of sacrifice, our family lost one of our crowning jewel. Selalu orang kata, selagi orang tua masih ada, lebih seronok anak cucu untuk berkumpul. Mungkin inilah pengorbanan paling besar kami sekeluarga. Kehilangan Opah pada hari raya pertama.

    That very morning, felt so surreal, so humbling, and if only I knew then, that what I witnessed was something more. Abah aku sendiri, yang menuntut jenazah ibunya sendiri, menemani jenazah sepanjang malam, menghadiahi bacaan Yassin sepanjang malam, memandikan jenazah ibunya sendiri, mengafankan jenazah ibunya sendiri, mengimamkan solat jenazah ibunya, menyaksikan jenazah ibunya dikebumikan. And with all that, he stood tall, with so little will, saddened face, and a broken heart. He did what he needs to do, what he was supposed to do, as a son. Ada masanya dia tangisi, dia kalah dengan sebak, ada masanya dia kumpul semangat untuk harungi detik paling sukar dalam hidupnya. He set such a high example to his children, that Abah was and above everything else, wasn't weak. 

    Back then, for that short 48 hours...I knew what strength was.
    Allahyarhamah Rafiaah bt Imam Berkat. Dilahirkan pada 20 Oktober 1933, dan meninggal dunia pada tanggal 10 Julai 2022 tika usianya 88 tahun. Semoga roh arwah Opah, dicucuri rahmat Allah swt, dan ditempatkan dalam golongan orang2 beriman dan diredhai Allah swt. Al-Fatihah (dibaca).
  • We wield this incredible shield that protects us from expressing all the flooding feelings. We know how to drained them, but our facial expressions were far too grand to hide them. Our emotions are like layered onions. Sandwiched together, but transparent. Though they are blurry enough that you can't see the core of it. 

    Oftentimes we got caught in our overwhelming feelings. It's draining the hyper soul and social juice that we had. But never the love that's overflowing the tiny flask, or jar, or glass, or cup. The love that sometimes got mistranslated, misunderstood, mistaken, and oftentimes, unappreciated. 

    It was never easy to hold on to the past that has shaped you to the person you are now, and it was the doubtfulness of the future that got us stuck unmoving, lodged like a log. None to the right, nor to the left. Like a prestigious statue that people worship, we stood still and waiting for someone to dig up layer by layer to know our true intentions. And in the midst of it, plenty has gone weary, an awful lot has given up, a bunch got tired, and only a few. 

    Only a few kept going despite we're chasing them out. Despite we're saying no, and shutting doors. These precious gems, these fighting souls, may come off as stupid and dumb to thaw a thick ice, but to us, they're noble. 

    Why would you conquer a Capricornia? What is there to gain? They are the same thick dumb statues and statuettes that was molded, chiseled and hammered by sculptors. Varied in different heights and lengths and weights and thickness and material. It wasn't so much of the art of conquering the statues and statuettes, rather it's an opening doors to let them (Capricornias) feel, and let loose, and be more free-spirited than their rigid stones. So more people would feel less intimidating towards them, and make them approachable. Oftentimes it was pure, but sometimes, it was just merely normal feelings. Of sadness, of happiness, hopeful, fear, and love. 

    Of all the loud rumors circling around a Capricornia, is that, one is generally very inspiring, particularly as independent and follow one's own paths so fiercely. One can seem cold and uncompassionate when you first meet them. However, deep down, they are loyal, dependable, and devoted. They simply have high walls. They might need to spend years with someone before they feel comfortable opening up about their emotions. They might be a standing still statues and statuettes, but they care about people closest to them, as they only have a few close friends -but they will stay friends for life. They are also incredibly close with their families and value traditions that they will pass down to their own children. Capricornias keep themselves closed off to most of the world, so if they let you inside, they value you immensely.

    But sword and shield wielders behold, once you've opened up a door, a tiny little crack will form and if you're not careful, the whole structure will collapse. It will no longer be a mission of divide and conquer, but they'll make sure it's an effort to guide and nurture. Every step of the way matters, and the best thing about having the conquer-ship with Capricornia, to every kindness you showered them, they'll reply ten folds. 
  • Bismillahirrahmanirahim. 

     I was hoping that after the pandemic ends, I wanna go and meet you again. Doesn't matter how far north you'd be, let's meet again one day. Never have I ever imagined the bright smile from a beautiful soul once I knew before, the tight warm hug when we greet one another, was taken away in a matter of seconds. It will only gonna be a plain memory buried inside my deepest hippocampus. 
     
    I should've at least call you up and ask about your condition when I've heard you were warded due to COVID19, but I'm sorry that I didn't. You've once told me that you believe in me, that you shared your personal stories and struggle and I could only lend my ears and time to listen to it, as we were far apart. It's a good 12 years that we've known each other, and I will never forget all the good deeds you've done. I will never forget how bright your smile was, every time we meet and hang out. Your genuine laughter, your kindness of preparing food for us during Ramadan be it berbuka or sahur, lend us your shoulders and ears when we were feeling down. You invited me and Paan to Melaka for an outing, you fetch me all the way to Penang to spend the day off when I visited the state. 

    Al-Fatihah buatmu Bang Min. I couldn't believe that I'm writing this knowing I could never meet you again, but as it was written, it shall be done. All living things will experience the passing. You are one lucky soul, that all the hearts you touched turn to gold, and we felt love. We felt heard, we felt your sincerity. Be at peace Bang Min, I'll always pray for your safe journey for the promised Jannah. You went ahead on a peaceful Friday, exactly like arwah Akir 11 years ago, and now it's your time to leave us. 

    Be at peace Bang Min, you'll be granted the highest Jannah, cause everyone knows how kind you are, how thoughtful you are, how loving you are, and you've done your level best as His slave in this temporary Dunya. You've done your responsibilities, adhering to take care of both relationships with Allah SWT (Hablum Minallah (حَبْلٍ مِّنْ اللَّهِ)) and with human (Hablum Minannas (حَبْلٍ مِّنَ النَّاسِ)).

    Goodbyes were never easy. But this passing is inevitable. In love, may you find the glorious Jannah. Safe travels until our final journey, ascended. May we meet again. Be at peace Bang Min. 

    Ibrahim Ismail Amin bin Haji Mohamad Tajuddin. 
    An obedient son, a loving brother, a dear friend. Close like a family, closer to our heart and prayers. 
    Be at peace Bang Min, إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ 
    Al-Fatihah. 

    *ﺑِﺴْــــــــﻢِ ﺍٌﻟﻠَّﻪِ ﺍٌﻟﺮَّﺣْﻤَﻦِ ﺍٌﻟﺮَّﺣِﻴْـــــــــﻢِِ
    *ﺍَﻟْﺤَﻤْﺪُ ِﻟﻠﻪِ ﺭَﺏِّ ﺍﻟﻌَﺎﻟَﻤِﻴﻦَ ۞
    *ﺍﻟﺮَّﺣْﻤَﻦِ ﺍﻟﺮَّﺣِﻴﻢِ ۞
    *ﻣَﺎﻟِﻚِ ﻳَﻮْﻡِ ﺍﻟﺪِّﻳﻦِ ۞
    *ﺇﻳَّﺎﻙَ ﻧَﻌْﺒُﺪُ ﻭﺇﻳَّﺎﻙَ ﻧَﺴْﺘَﻌِﻴﻦُ ۞
    * ﺍِﻫْﺪِﻧَﺎ ﺍﻟﺼِّﺮﺍﻁَ ﺍﻟْﻤُﺴْﺘَﻘِﻴﻢَ ۞
    * ﺻِﺮَﺍﻁَ ﺍﻟَّﺬِﻳﻦَ ﺃﻧْﻌَﻤْﺖَ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻢْ ﻏَﻴْﺮِ ﺍﻟْﻤَﻐْﻀُﻮﺏِ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻢْ ﻭَﻻَ ﺍﻟﻀَّﺎﻟِّﻴِﻦَ . ﺁﻣِّﻴْﻦ
  •  







  • 22/12/2020

    Waris told us about the oddity of his relationship with Izara. It wasn't ranting on unrequited love or longing for attention. He wasn't 

  • 21/12/20

    In Izira's multiple relationships she had before, she was very particular in saying yes. Nak makan mana, nak keluar pergi mana, nak naik kereta siapa, nak buat apa hari ni, all the common questions during dating, requires a certain answer, and mostly when suggested with some answers, Izira would consider first, before saying yes. Tapi dia semakin belajar, yang dia tak boleh sentiasa jawab ya, untuk setiap pertanyaan, and end up hurting her own feelings. Like all her failed relationships before. 

    I can spend the whole day writing about it, but let's not go there. But when we wanna talk about her marriage plans? It's a different story altogether. Marriage is the starting point of sailing in the unforeseen circumstances ahead of you. Love is when you're in the phase of hanging out with someone you like, having mutual conversations and laugh at the idea of having common interests, that's dating. A relationship is a responsibility for both parties to balance out the yin and yang, the black and white, the good and bad, and a relationship was supposed to be murky puddle before it came down to clear water. 

    In this timeline, Waris will tell you the story of Izira with his jodoh-prima. The one she did not expect to have a place in her heart, let alone getting on to the question of Will you marry me?

    It was very last minute, a short noticed kinda thing. Izira masih blur, dan dia ingatkan lamaran Hail cuma gurauan, lagi teruk dia ingatkan Hail ajak-ajak ayam! Ah sudah...

    Cara Izira dan Hail kenal was abrupt spontaneous, but not a surprise as they are colleagues under the same roof. 

    Waris remembered correctly, Hail pernah nampak Izira maki supplier dalam talian, like a full-blown *F you kinda curse, and oddly enough, he felt that moment if he saw the girl's worst, he's committed to seeing the girl's best. So he took the first step in knowing the petite Izira. 

    Izira bertambah keliru. That guy literally saw a beast, straight-up cursing on top of her lungs, and he fell head over hell for her? Despite being the opposites to each other, the yin and yang, kutub utara kutub selatan, of entirely different background, but the more confusing thing was, notwithstanding with her principle of considering the YES word, she agreed to test the water with Hail. 

    They didn't date for too long, give or take, 4-5 months? And out of nowhere, Hail proposed to her. Izira pernah merasa semua jenis rejection, dan banyak versi broken-hearted. She won't let this one be the next. She truly wanna believe that this is it. He's the one. She had her time thinking thru the decision that will make or break her future life. Unbeknownst to anyone else, not even her family, not even her friends, and not even me, 

    Izira said yes.

    ***

    In the midst of it all, Izira knew she's gonna hurt some hearts along the way. People that she should consult on such a serious matter. Tapi kalau consult sejuta orang pun, kalau dah sebentuk hati tu diterbitkan rasa yakin dengan orang depan mata, itulah yang dinamakan jodoh. 

    When the news broke, Waris was taken back. He met Hail once, in the middle of a pitch-black night, when he came over to Waris' house when Izira and he were hanging out. He was looking for Izira's car, and he knew by heart which was my house. The boy got a strong hunch. 

    Waris couldn't make his face, but that was the first time we greeted each other. Fast forward to 4 months after that, the news of Izira got engaged to Hail spread like a contained fire. Izira made some hints of the occasion, and she really made plans to talk about it all night long, like we used to. 

    But the day never comes. 

    The idea of marriage in Islamic teaching was supposed to be as holistic and all-rounder as possible. For the pair to be able to take care of each other not only physically, mentally, religiously, and complimenting each other's short of characters. 

    For Waris, love is steady, rational, and logical. Love usually makes sense, and you could only love someone that you admire and relate to. 

    He congratulated Izira on her engagement the day after, via text. 

    "Thanks Is, aku nak jumpa kau haritu, tapi your sis said you weren't home yet."

    "It's okay, my mom told me about it."

    "Aku buat simple je, 5 orang je yang datang dari keluarga dia"

    "You're referring to Hail kan?"

    "Ha'ah."

    "Congrats again Iz"

    "Thank you babe."

    That was how brief their conversation has gotten these couple of months. In hoping for a more heart-to-heart talk while listening to our favourite song to jam, and braiding each other's hair and making silly jokes, and laughing out loud to the nonsense we talked about in the middle of the night. 

    It feels different. It feels odd.


  • This wasn’t necessarily gonna be the sappy entry or the typical tribute post for you dear. This was the hit-hard, slap-hard, that I got just a few hours ago. The reality is that, you’re gone, and I got to live. You’re gone, and I got to mourn of your lost. You’re gone, and I have to tender to my sobbing feelings. 

    Dear, it was 10 years. Flew so fricking fast! Could I look back at how we met? Of your warm hugs and witty remarks, and how you’ve made yourself a fool. A smart fool it is. Dear when you left, the sky was a jarring grey and there was thunderstorm. When you left, the whole campus was wet, with rain, and tears. But you get to leave in one piece, and rest with the billions of thoughts by those who loved you. 

    I loved you. 

    It’s kinda not fair when you left us in such short noticed, when you were in your prime. You were just reliving your day-to-day preaching of the way of the religion. Of making sure that you got something to go by with your tiffin-full of bliss, and celestial worth of prayers, and In Sha Allah, lifetime of good deeds. 

    Dear, as I was saying, it’s kinda not fair that you left first. Getting to where I am now, of hardly forgetting of our life’s worth of friendship. Sometimes I forgotten about you, and I’m sorry. I still have your round-shaped pillow that you gave me on my birthday, wait, was it my birthday? I still hold on dearly to your self-written lyrics to a song that I faintly remember the melody to it. Dear, all I’m saying when I say it was unfair, I was actually envious of you. 

    You don’t have to face the atrocious world. You get to rest and enjoy your time until we get called upon one fine day, and In Sha Allah, we’ll hold each other’s hand, and meet again. While me on the other hand, I gotta live. I gotta face the endless brutal reality, of discriminations, of hatred, of broken hearts, of failures, of this tireless war of the heart, of commitments of being an adult, bit by bit growing as a matured man. But when I think back, dearly beloved, I live dear. I live for my parents, for my family, for my friends, for my love one, for the people who loves me, and above all, I gotta live for myself. 

    Dear, with this iron heart, I promise you, that I will never, EVER, forget about how you fought your own battle. Of how each one of us is struggling with our own demon, and at the end of the day, it’s just the matter of which demon we feed the most. 

    I don’t know dear, for as far as I’m seeing this, you’re the lucky one that got to live your life the fullest and was given the chance with your last breathe, calmly, in peace, and faithful to your God. And I’ll keep fighting this uncertainty, this dilemma, this daily battle, and I’ll be sitting here for the next…I don’t know, 10 years? 20 years? Wondering, when can I get to finally exhale.

    Muzakkir Nur Syafiq Mesni
    1991 – 2010
    Al-Fatihah


  • In all humbleness, I’ve come to my senses to write an impactful story to tell. This is my side of the coin that you flipped. I chose tail and you chose head. We got head, and we’re okay with it. During a relationship, there are no specific manual on how to maneuver the wheel. It’s like an accord, both parties signed it, both parties agreed to whatever written black and white on it. But oftentimes we forgot that there’s a grey line, super fine, that we need to look into when it comes to steering two hearts in the stormy ocean ahead. We played good cops bad cops and prayed to God that we don’t get to be the bad cop. People don’t like the bad cop. Bad cop is bad. Bad cop is the reason of all crimes, punishable, downright shameful and troublesome. Unfortunately, in times and times again, I got to be the bad cop. No excuse, just a shameless title put upon me. BAD COP.

    You asked of how many chances I want for this relationship. I said I want thousands and more. I want to fix things and make it right I seldom forgot it was the right by your law. It was the right by your choices. It was the right by your preference. On the surface it was clouded by the spitting image of “the right by the righteous rights.” but in truth, nobody knows.

    And in those moments of me being the bad cops, people would just throw words and judgment. I made the wrong choice, I screw up, I fucked up. In the famous one-liner “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” The power to change yourself. I’m changing. God knows I’m trying. Staying loyal is in short supply this days, but when you go back and remember of all the good times we’ve had together, the slow dance, the body-shaming, the cuddles, the spooning, the laughter, the movies, the songs, the drive-thrus, the sleep-overs, the cook off, the grocery shoppings, and the down trends. The tears, the fights, the sulks, the raising-voice, the betrayals, the cheatings, the affairs and as per I’m saying, staying loyal comes in a very short supply. Nobody wants to betray nobody.

    We have had tons of good fights. Tears running like waterfall, sob like we’re at someone’s funeral, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, confused and losing a part of ourselves. Your main goal is to love me unconditionally, but as all conversation goes, you need to know what’s mine too. My goal is not to disappoint you, and oftentimes, when I got to be the bad cops, it’s numbing. I’m always in the wrong track of time, of law, of luck. We’re both adults, and we’re both hate wasting times at petty fights and unnecessary conversations. But fights and conversations are the empirical prove that we’re communicating. And you’re a firm believer that communicating wasn’t enough. Both needs to comprehend the situation and respond accordingly. But what if fights are the only thing that kept us going so far? What if this relationship is standing on a thin thread of fights alone.

    I’m not used to the idea of fitting in the mold of typical couple with their typical activities. But that wasn’t thrill, this was wrong. I’ve learnt my lesson, my ego is bruised, and it breaks me seeing you disappointed in me. Like I failed to be the guy you’ve always wanted me to be.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. When you pushed me away, and you said I should go and be with whoever I please except you. But whenever I tried to please you, it comes out bullshit and cheesy and I felt useless. Remember that I was about to leave and I choked on the word of asking you to help me unlock the door cause I don’t have the keys to the padlock.

    Just know that, begging someone to love you is piercing hurt. But begging you to let me go, that’s a different level of pain. It’s agonizing. I’m going just because to see you’re happy with someone else and not stuck with a bad cop like me. I’m going because you asked me to leave. I hate myself seeing you sad. I hate myself that I keep disappointing you. I hate myself for it. Whatever happened tonight was a different kind of drain. Drain to the soul, to the mind alike. And when you simply whisper stay, that’s when I know you’re giving me a chance. Perhaps the last one? Nobody knows.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. But whatever happened after last night is a different story altogether.


  • First of all, it’s the very definition of having someone mutually affectionate towards you that lit the fire. You can have self-love but to how long it will bend before it breaks. I used to have everything. Good job, good pay, good friends, good companion, but it all changed when I know the last person I can count on is me. I gotta be that selfish guy micro-managing everything by myself. Everything. I’ve always been the private one. I rarely talk about what’s going on in my mind unless someone is smart enough to pull out the story from my throat, word by word.

    Aku bukan jenis yang suka nak jaja cerita sendiri, or millennial term for it is, humble bragging. Posting it up on social media and let people know that you’re facing an alarming problem that the rest of the world should turn their heads to you. NOPE. I’ll pass. Even those who are super close to me; I’ll choose my words wisely before I start talking. Some people only want the juice and nothing more, they want your suffering so they could sell to someone else later on. Some are really undoubtedly genuine to hear you out, but what makes it different is how the listener reacts to it, and what comes after.

    Aku rasa harini paling mencabar untuk aku. Work is tiring, body is exhausting, energy is draining, and love, love is fading. Loving who? That’s not quite the question, but rather, loving when. You see, the condition will change drastically when you ask someone, who are you dating? So the answer should always be the name of someone-someone. But make it rather, ambiguous by asking, when do you love?

    Kalau kau yakin dengan pilihan kau, soalan tu senang je. Kau dah boleh jawab dengan sepantas kilat. Bila kau rasa orang yg kau jalinkan hubungan sekarang ni positif jodoh kau, you just gotta answer it right there and then. Aku pernah bercinta dengan orang yang tak reti ekspreskan apa yang dia rasa. Sampai aku sendiri kena jerit depan muka dia, suruh dia cakap apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia nak luahkan. Sebiji macam director Ahmad Nisfu sumpah seranah suruh talent dia dalam sesi screen test.

    Ironically, I’m doing it now. I’m doing the silent screen test. Bukan sebab aku tak reti ekspreskan apa yang terbuku dalam kepala dan dada aku. Aku takut orang tak pandai react mcm mana cara aku micro-manage perasaan aku ni. Better aku simpan sendiri. I acted cold, but I’m also good at it.

    After work just now I took a grab home. It was a silent drive with a faint lousy music coming out from the radio, but my head is exploding with thoughts and suggestive imaginations. It was loud and I almost forgot that I’m in a stranger’s car. I tried to suppress all this emotions and not letting them out, not even a sniff of me sobbing. Crying, but silently, so loud, but deafening.

    Grab berhenti depan rumah. Samar2 aku dengar suara orang. Only after a few seconds baru aku perasan yang kenderaan dah berhenti depan rumah aku.

    “Cik?” soal pemandu Grab tadi. Dia menoleh ke arah aku. Cepat2 aku seka air mata, tapi dia perasan.
    “Cik ok?” Aku angguk, seraya menarik senyum kelat paksa. Aku kutip semua barang aku, tapi sebelum aku buka pintu kereta, pemandu grab tadi pesan.

    “Cik, hidup ni memang susah sikit. Kena struggle, kadang-kadang kita dekat atas, kadang-kadang kita dekat bawah. Walaupun kita rasa macam kita tempuh semua benda sorang-sorang, rasa macam kita dah paling malang, percayalah, kita sebenarnya jauh lagi beruntung dari sesetengah orang. Kita kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Saya tak nak lah masuk campur dalam hal cik, tapi saya cuma nak berkongsi satu ayat yang selalu saya pegang, dari bekas majikan saya."

    "If you found yourself lost in the middle of the road, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way. Sorrylah, English saya berterabur sikit, maklumlah, pemandu grab je. ” Dia berikan senyuman lebar untuk aku. Aku balas senyuman tu, and I felt the warmth of showing kindness.

    Well that how it works aint it? When you show love and compassion, the world will find its route to show it back to you. Yes, the world is tough, sometimes you’re uphill, sometimes you’re at rock bottom. You gotta figure out your ways to play with it. Macam driver grab tadi cakap, although you’re lost in the middle of the road, that doesn’t mean that can’t find your way. Be it way back, or way ahead. And in my case, I’m stuck in the middle. But the best thing about being at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. Up. It’s funny when you’re at your most vulnerable, when you no longer can control those involuntarily tears fall down, and when all hope seems lost, there’s a stranger giving you wise words.

    Life can knock me. It breaks on every body, sometimes the tears are a reminder that you’re a mere human. You can get drown in your own feels but I also need to put on a reminder to myself, that I’m a tough nut to crack.

  • 12/9/2018

    Hidup kalau mengikut kehendak hati, mati. Kau cari kedamaian dari pundak seorang lelaki, kau tak akan aman dengan nafsu dia yang berubah-ubah macam pantai kena bah dengan ombak. Kau cari ketenangan dengan genggaman tangan pasangan kau, seperti menggenggam bara api yang sah belum punya ikatan halal, tapi kau halalkan ikut budaya dan akhirnya kau bakar diri sendiri. Sejauh mana janji seorang anak Adam itu boleh dipercayai? Dalam sejarah manusia, kau tak payah Islamisasikan cerita ni, nabi Adam dibuang syurga kerana terikut hasutan pasangannya Hawa makan buah larangan. Siapa yang punya angkara? Kau nak salahkan Hawa? Hawa pun kena goda dengan makhluk api tu. Memang naluri seorang yang bernama manusia, mengikut nafsu dan melanggar peraturan. Tapi hanya asbab kita diberikan akal oleh Allah S.W.T, kita dipilih menjadi khalifahNya di muka bumi untuk mengepalai sekalian makhluk. Jangan kita sendiri yang menjadi makhluk mengikut nubari dan bukan akal fikiran kurniaanNYA.

    Entah kenapa Iji terasa cendol Jalan Kubur pahit semacam. Dia menolak mangkuk cendol tadi perlahan. Win memandang Iji hairan. 

    “Kau yang ajak aku menyendol, kenapa tak makan?” Win setia menyuap mee ayam panas-panas berwap kaca mata dia.

    “Aku tak selera.” Iji tak pandang muka Win. Win meletakkan sudunya ke dalam mangkuk dan berpaling ke arah Iji.

    Win mengeluh. Dia memandang Iji dengan pandangan simpati. 

    “Dia yang minta putus Win, aku ni, masih sayangkan dia” 

    “Ya, betul. Dah seribu kali aku dengar lelaki tu yang minta putus, bukan kau. Dan seribu kali juga aku dengar kau cakap kau masih sayangkan dia. Aku tak suruh kau putus asa pasal perasaan kau dekat dia, aku nak nasihatkan kau untuk tak putus asa dengan hidup kau”

    “Aku dah cuba nak lupakan dia Win. Macam ni rupanya rasa kena buang,”

    “Hey” Win memandang Iji tepat ke dalam dua biji matanya. ”Kau nak salahkan siapa?” Iji senyap. “Kau nak salahkan dia? Sebab minta putus? Kau nak salahkan diri kau? Sebab kononnya kau bukan yang terbaik untuk dia? Kau nak salahkan siapa? Tuhan? Senang-senang cakap, jodoh tak panjang, macam tu?” Mata Iji berkaca.

    “Orang kahwin 50 tahun pun boleh bercerai Iji, ini kan korang yang baru tiga tahun BERCINTA, tak ada hubungan halal akad ke apa.”

    “Tiga tahun ni lama tau, aku turutkan setia aku untuk dia seorang je.” Iji mengelap air matanya yang mengalir laju.

    “Kat situlah kau silap Ji, benda pelik pasal setia ni, soal hati. Kau ingatkan aku balik, dia cakap apa dekat kau masa dia minta putus haritu?” Iji berpaling. Enggan menjawab soalan Win.

    “Dia rasa kosong, dia dah tak ada perasaan Ji. Sebab tu aku cakap, soal hati ni bukan boleh kita pegang masuk dalam sampul, gam guna gam gajah, bukan kerja kita. Bergolok gadai nak membuktikan cinta seutuh gunung mana pun, kalau hati dia tu dah memang tak nak dekat kita, memang tak boleh buat apa dah.” Iji mula menangis. Dia tidak pedulikan pelanggan lain di warung.

    “Bukan kau sepatutnya pujuk aku ke?” Win geleng.

    "Itulah yang pelik bin hairan pasal cinta ni Iji, kita memang boleh suka dekat sesiapa pun yang kita nak suka, tapi kena ingat, diorang pun boleh" Win mengusap bahu Iji perlahan.
    ...

    Iji terdetik sendiri. Lama dia merenung ke bawah, boleh tahan jauh menjunam gaung Bukit Kluang ni. Takkan dia nak cabut nyawa sendiri? Habis tu malaikat pencabut nyawa nak buat apa? Goyang kaki? Dia biarkan angin kuat menampar pipinya, membelai rambutnya, terasa lebih nyaman dari tangan kasar lelaki bertopeng syaitan yang membelai rambutnya sebelum ini. Kepura-puraan. Dia teringat apa yang dia hamburkan pada Win.

    “Kalau ini keputusan dia, aku akan tutup pintu hati aku sampai bila-bila! Biarlah! Biar aku tak kahwin sampai hujung nyawa aku!”

    Iji tersengih sendiri. Manusia, kalau sedang berkocak emosi, segala kata cacian dia muntahkan, segala benda yang dia pernah suka jadi benci, segala kata kesat yang dia tak suka dengar dia yang luahkan sendiri. Kalau pun betul yang dia nak tutup pintu hati buat selama-lamanya, agar tak ada seorang kaum Adam pun dapat tembus nak jual madah cinta palsu dengan dia lagi, dia tersentak. Kononnya pandu jauh sampai ke negeri orang nak cari ketenangan, dah panjat bukit sampai mengah tak cukup oksigen ke otak, kaki nak tercabut, masih tak dapat ketenangan yang dicari-cari. Sekali lagi dia teringat, tetapi kali ini apa yang Win hamburkan pada dia.

    “Kat mana pun kau hilangkan diri mencari ketenangan, mencari diri kau sendiri, kalau Allah tak izinkan, kau tak akan dapat ketenangan tu. Kau pernah bagitahu aku, Dia yang pegang hati orang, Dia boleh buat orang tu suka pada kita, atau pun benci pada kita, tapi kau jangan lupa Ji, Dia juga yang pegang hati kau. Dengan izin Dia yang Maha Kuasa, Dia sahaja yang boleh berikan kau ketenangan. Total.”

    Iji meraup romannya yang tak sedar dah basah beberapa titis air matanya mengalir laju. Awan kumulonimbus bersatu perlahan. Mendung berarak memayungi bukit Kluang. Tanda hari nak hujan. Baiknya hari akan sejuk dan dingin, yang tak baiknya, Iji akan terperangkap atas bukit Kluang. Dia mengatur langkah untuk hike-down. Sebelum itu, dia pandang merinding ke hadapan. Pulau Perhentian Besar, ke hadapan lagi, terbentang luas Laut China Selatan. Kalau ke utara sedikit sudah masuk ke Teluk Thailand, kalau ke Selatan lagi sudah masuk ke Archipelago Riau.

    Usai dia menjejak kaki ke tanah rata, dia terus menuju ke sebuah surau berdekatan. Dia sucikan diri dengan wudhu dan solat hajat dua rakaat. Semahunya dia berdoa dalam sujud rakaat terakhir. Iji bangun memberi salam. Dia menadah tangan, meminta doa bukan untuk dijodohkan dengan orang yang baik-baik lagi, dia minta agar hatinya kuat menongkah dugaan yang Tuhannya sendiri dah tulis untuknya.

    Dia fokus ke hadapan, tirai yang menghalang ruang solat lelaki dan perempuan. Dan saat dia merinding tertumpu ke hadapan itulah hatinya dijentik oleh Tuhan. Iji mendapat ketenangan yang dia cari, meditasi dari pemanduan dia beratus kilometer dari ibu kota semata-mata ingin mencari kesejahteraan hati. Bukan di atas puncak bukit tinggi Tuhan berikan kedamaian itu, Dia rindukan doa-doa hambaNya yang sedang berduka lara. Atas hamparan bersujud kepadaNya, Iji mengalirkan air mata terharu. Dia hanya merancang, tapi perancangan Allah itulah rancangan yang paling baik. Lantas dia sujud syukur.

    "Aku berbisik pada bumi-Mu ya Allah, agar terdengar di langit-Mu"

    Tamat.
  • Greetings. Welcome to my humble portfolio compatible to blog format. Please feel free to comb thru the photos as they have been categorized together according to their titled group. All works are original unless stated so. Images used were outsourced from google pictures. Half of the works are assignment based for academic purposes and are not for outside use. My editing works varies from theater posters, documentary posters, assignments posters, up to test shoot (editorial photoshoot). 

    Disclaimer: In a lot of the Editorial photoshoot, I was potrayed as the main model, but these were all just for personal fun. I am not a professional, paid or trained model but open for any possibilities. The shoots are mainly for personal use and collection only.

    1. Theater Posters
    Senteri Mungkar (1st Show 2015)

    Samaran Karma (2nd Show 2016)

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 1st Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 2nd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 3rd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 4th Version

    Kintsugi (Reprise Show 2017) New Version

    Maharani (4th Show 2018)

    2. Video Assignment Posters
    Orkid : Short Film (2015)
    #switchoffthestereo : Documentary (2017)
    Stepmom : Reprise Short Film (2017) 
    Fitting In : Documentary (Mock-up Poster) (2017)
    Fitting In : Documentary (Tilt Version) (2017)
    3. Assignments Posters
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Book Cover Version)
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Movie Poster Version)
    Language At The Workplace Poster : Report Writing
    Si Tenggang Homecoming : Poster

    4. Editorial Shoots (Personal Collection)

    i) Open Season Photoshoot 
    (Photographed & Edited by Mietography) Click on the word Mietography and feel free to browse through their website for more editorial photoshoot that I've co-directed with the team.

    ii) #switchoffthestereo Test Shoot

    iii) WHACK Album Photoshoot 
    (Photographed by Mietography, Fully edited by myself)


    iv) The Nocturnals 
    (2018 Aidilfitri Photoshoot) Featuring the whole family, it has become an annual tradition for us to gather and work for an editorial shoot with the whole family during Raya.

    1st Teaser
    2nd Teaser
    3rd Concept Teaser
    4th Concept Teaser

    End of Portfolio (as updated on 4th of July 2018) 
    *to be updated from time to time. 

    Appreciate your stay.