• 22/12/2020

    Waris told us about the oddity of his relationship with Izara. It wasn't ranting on unrequited love or longing for attention. He wasn't 

  • 21/12/20

    In Izira's multiple relationships she had before, she was very particular in saying yes. Nak makan mana, nak keluar pergi mana, nak naik kereta siapa, nak buat apa hari ni, all the common questions during dating, requires a certain answer, and mostly when suggested with some answers, Izira would consider first, before saying yes. Tapi dia semakin belajar, yang dia tak boleh sentiasa jawab ya, untuk setiap pertanyaan, and end up hurting her own feelings. Like all her failed relationships before. 

    I can spend the whole day writing about it, but let's not go there. But when we wanna talk about her marriage plans? It's a different story altogether. Marriage is the starting point of sailing in the unforeseen circumstances ahead of you. Love is when you're in the phase of hanging out with someone you like, having mutual conversations and laugh at the idea of having common interests, that's dating. A relationship is a responsibility for both parties to balance out the yin and yang, the black and white, the good and bad, and a relationship was supposed to be murky puddle before it came down to clear water. 

    In this timeline, Waris will tell you the story of Izira with his jodoh-prima. The one she did not expect to have a place in her heart, let alone getting on to the question of Will you marry me?

    It was very last minute, a short noticed kinda thing. Izira masih blur, dan dia ingatkan lamaran Hail cuma gurauan, lagi teruk dia ingatkan Hail ajak-ajak ayam! Ah sudah...

    Cara Izira dan Hail kenal was abrupt spontaneous, but not a surprise as they are colleagues under the same roof. 

    Waris remembered correctly, Hail pernah nampak Izira maki supplier dalam talian, like a full-blown *F you kinda curse, and oddly enough, he felt that moment if he saw the girl's worst, he's committed to seeing the girl's best. So he took the first step in knowing the petite Izira. 

    Izira bertambah keliru. That guy literally saw a beast, straight-up cursing on top of her lungs, and he fell head over hell for her? Despite being the opposites to each other, the yin and yang, kutub utara kutub selatan, of entirely different background, but the more confusing thing was, notwithstanding with her principle of considering the YES word, she agreed to test the water with Hail. 

    They didn't date for too long, give or take, 4-5 months? And out of nowhere, Hail proposed to her. Izira pernah merasa semua jenis rejection, dan banyak versi broken-hearted. She won't let this one be the next. She truly wanna believe that this is it. He's the one. She had her time thinking thru the decision that will make or break her future life. Unbeknownst to anyone else, not even her family, not even her friends, and not even me, 

    Izira said yes.


    In the midst of it all, Izira knew she's gonna hurt some hearts along the way. People that she should consult on such a serious matter. Tapi kalau consult sejuta orang pun, kalau dah sebentuk hati tu diterbitkan rasa yakin dengan orang depan mata, itulah yang dinamakan jodoh. 

    When the news broke, Waris was taken back. He met Hail once, in the middle of a pitch-black night, when he came over to Waris' house when Izira and he were hanging out. He was looking for Izira's car, and he knew by heart which was my house. The boy got a strong hunch. 

    Waris couldn't make his face, but that was the first time we greeted each other. Fast forward to 4 months after that, the news of Izira got engaged to Hail spread like a contained fire. Izira made some hints of the occasion, and she really made plans to talk about it all night long, like we used to. 

    But the day never comes. 

    The idea of marriage in Islamic teaching was supposed to be as holistic and all-rounder as possible. For the pair to be able to take care of each other not only physically, mentally, religiously, and complimenting each other's short of characters. 

    For Waris, love is steady, rational, and logical. Love usually makes sense, and you could only love someone that you admire and relate to. 

    He congratulated Izira on her engagement the day after, via text. 

    "Thanks Is, aku nak jumpa kau haritu, tapi your sis said you weren't home yet."

    "It's okay, my mom told me about it."

    "Aku buat simple je, 5 orang je yang datang dari keluarga dia"

    "You're referring to Hail kan?"


    "Congrats again Iz"

    "Thank you babe."

    That was how brief their conversation has gotten these couple of months. In hoping for a more heart-to-heart talk while listening to our favourite song to jam, and braiding each other's hair and making silly jokes, and laughing out loud to the nonsense we talked about in the middle of the night. 

    It feels different. It feels odd.

  • This wasn’t necessarily gonna be the sappy entry or the typical tribute post for you dear. This was the hit-hard, slap-hard, that I got just a few hours ago. The reality is that, you’re gone, and I got to live. You’re gone, and I got to mourn of your lost. You’re gone, and I have to tender to my sobbing feelings. 

    Dear, it was 10 years. Flew so fricking fast! Could I look back at how we met? Of your warm hugs and witty remarks, and how you’ve made yourself a fool. A smart fool it is. Dear when you left, the sky was a jarring grey and there was thunderstorm. When you left, the whole campus was wet, with rain, and tears. But you get to leave in one piece, and rest with the billions of thoughts by those who loved you. 

    I loved you. 

    It’s kinda not fair when you left us in such short noticed, when you were in your prime. You were just reliving your day-to-day preaching of the way of the religion. Of making sure that you got something to go by with your tiffin-full of bliss, and celestial worth of prayers, and In Sha Allah, lifetime of good deeds. 

    Dear, as I was saying, it’s kinda not fair that you left first. Getting to where I am now, of hardly forgetting of our life’s worth of friendship. Sometimes I forgotten about you, and I’m sorry. I still have your round-shaped pillow that you gave me on my birthday, wait, was it my birthday? I still hold on dearly to your self-written lyrics to a song that I faintly remember the melody to it. Dear, all I’m saying when I say it was unfair, I was actually envious of you. 

    You don’t have to face the atrocious world. You get to rest and enjoy your time until we get called upon one fine day, and In Sha Allah, we’ll hold each other’s hand, and meet again. While me on the other hand, I gotta live. I gotta face the endless brutal reality, of discriminations, of hatred, of broken hearts, of failures, of this tireless war of the heart, of commitments of being an adult, bit by bit growing as a matured man. But when I think back, dearly beloved, I live dear. I live for my parents, for my family, for my friends, for my love one, for the people who loves me, and above all, I gotta live for myself. 

    Dear, with this iron heart, I promise you, that I will never, EVER, forget about how you fought your own battle. Of how each one of us is struggling with our own demon, and at the end of the day, it’s just the matter of which demon we feed the most. 

    I don’t know dear, for as far as I’m seeing this, you’re the lucky one that got to live your life the fullest and was given the chance with your last breathe, calmly, in peace, and faithful to your God. And I’ll keep fighting this uncertainty, this dilemma, this daily battle, and I’ll be sitting here for the next…I don’t know, 10 years? 20 years? Wondering, when can I get to finally exhale.

    Muzakkir Nur Syafiq Mesni
    1991 – 2010