• In all humbleness, I’ve come to my senses to write an impactful story to tell. This is my side of the coin that you flipped. I chose tail and you chose head. We got head, and we’re okay with it. During a relationship, there are no specific manual on how to maneuver the wheel. It’s like an accord, both parties signed it, both parties agreed to whatever written black and white on it. But oftentimes we forgot that there’s a grey line, super fine, that we need to look into when it comes to steering two hearts in the stormy ocean ahead. We played good cops bad cops and prayed to God that we don’t get to be the bad cop. People don’t like the bad cop. Bad cop is bad. Bad cop is the reason of all crimes, punishable, downright shameful and troublesome. Unfortunately, in times and times again, I got to be the bad cop. No excuse, just a shameless title put upon me. BAD COP.

    You asked of how many chances I want for this relationship. I said I want thousands and more. I want to fix things and make it right I seldom forgot it was the right by your law. It was the right by your choices. It was the right by your preference. On the surface it was clouded by the spitting image of “the right by the righteous rights.” but in truth, nobody knows.

    And in those moments of me being the bad cops, people would just throw words and judgment. I made the wrong choice, I screw up, I fucked up. In the famous one-liner “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” The power to change yourself. I’m changing. God knows I’m trying. Staying loyal is in short supply this days, but when you go back and remember of all the good times we’ve had together, the slow dance, the body-shaming, the cuddles, the spooning, the laughter, the movies, the songs, the drive-thrus, the sleep-overs, the cook off, the grocery shoppings, and the down trends. The tears, the fights, the sulks, the raising-voice, the betrayals, the cheatings, the affairs and as per I’m saying, staying loyal comes in a very short supply. Nobody wants to betray nobody.

    We have had tons of good fights. Tears running like waterfall, sob like we’re at someone’s funeral, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, confused and losing a part of ourselves. Your main goal is to love me unconditionally, but as all conversation goes, you need to know what’s mine too. My goal is not to disappoint you, and oftentimes, when I got to be the bad cops, it’s numbing. I’m always in the wrong track of time, of law, of luck. We’re both adults, and we’re both hate wasting times at petty fights and unnecessary conversations. But fights and conversations are the empirical prove that we’re communicating. And you’re a firm believer that communicating wasn’t enough. Both needs to comprehend the situation and respond accordingly. But what if fights are the only thing that kept us going so far? What if this relationship is standing on a thin thread of fights alone.

    I’m not used to the idea of fitting in the mold of typical couple with their typical activities. But that wasn’t thrill, this was wrong. I’ve learnt my lesson, my ego is bruised, and it breaks me seeing you disappointed in me. Like I failed to be the guy you’ve always wanted me to be.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. When you pushed me away, and you said I should go and be with whoever I please except you. But whenever I tried to please you, it comes out bullshit and cheesy and I felt useless. Remember that I was about to leave and I choked on the word of asking you to help me unlock the door cause I don’t have the keys to the padlock.

    Just know that, begging someone to love you is piercing hurt. But begging you to let me go, that’s a different level of pain. It’s agonizing. I’m going just because to see you’re happy with someone else and not stuck with a bad cop like me. I’m going because you asked me to leave. I hate myself seeing you sad. I hate myself that I keep disappointing you. I hate myself for it. Whatever happened tonight was a different kind of drain. Drain to the soul, to the mind alike. And when you simply whisper stay, that’s when I know you’re giving me a chance. Perhaps the last one? Nobody knows.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. But whatever happened after last night is a different story altogether.


  • First of all, it’s the very definition of having someone mutually affectionate towards you that lit the fire. You can have self-love but to how long it will bend before it breaks. I used to have everything. Good job, good pay, good friends, good companion, but it all changed when I know the last person I can count on is me. I gotta be that selfish guy micro-managing everything by myself. Everything. I’ve always been the private one. I rarely talk about what’s going on in my mind unless someone is smart enough to pull out the story from my throat, word by word.

    Aku bukan jenis yang suka nak jaja cerita sendiri, or millennial term for it is, humble bragging. Posting it up on social media and let people know that you’re facing an alarming problem that the rest of the world should turn their heads to you. NOPE. I’ll pass. Even those who are super close to me; I’ll choose my words wisely before I start talking. Some people only want the juice and nothing more, they want your suffering so they could sell to someone else later on. Some are really undoubtedly genuine to hear you out, but what makes it different is how the listener reacts to it, and what comes after.

    Aku rasa harini paling mencabar untuk aku. Work is tiring, body is exhausting, energy is draining, and love, love is fading. Loving who? That’s not quite the question, but rather, loving when. You see, the condition will change drastically when you ask someone, who are you dating? So the answer should always be the name of someone-someone. But make it rather, ambiguous by asking, when do you love?

    Kalau kau yakin dengan pilihan kau, soalan tu senang je. Kau dah boleh jawab dengan sepantas kilat. Bila kau rasa orang yg kau jalinkan hubungan sekarang ni positif jodoh kau, you just gotta answer it right there and then. Aku pernah bercinta dengan orang yang tak reti ekspreskan apa yang dia rasa. Sampai aku sendiri kena jerit depan muka dia, suruh dia cakap apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia nak luahkan. Sebiji macam director Ahmad Nisfu sumpah seranah suruh talent dia dalam sesi screen test.

    Ironically, I’m doing it now. I’m doing the silent screen test. Bukan sebab aku tak reti ekspreskan apa yang terbuku dalam kepala dan dada aku. Aku takut orang tak pandai react mcm mana cara aku micro-manage perasaan aku ni. Better aku simpan sendiri. I acted cold, but I’m also good at it.

    After work just now I took a grab home. It was a silent drive with a faint lousy music coming out from the radio, but my head is exploding with thoughts and suggestive imaginations. It was loud and I almost forgot that I’m in a stranger’s car. I tried to suppress all this emotions and not letting them out, not even a sniff of me sobbing. Crying, but silently, so loud, but deafening.

    Grab berhenti depan rumah. Samar2 aku dengar suara orang. Only after a few seconds baru aku perasan yang kenderaan dah berhenti depan rumah aku.

    “Cik?” soal pemandu Grab tadi. Dia menoleh ke arah aku. Cepat2 aku seka air mata, tapi dia perasan.
    “Cik ok?” Aku angguk, seraya menarik senyum kelat paksa. Aku kutip semua barang aku, tapi sebelum aku buka pintu kereta, pemandu grab tadi pesan.

    “Cik, hidup ni memang susah sikit. Kena struggle, kadang-kadang kita dekat atas, kadang-kadang kita dekat bawah. Walaupun kita rasa macam kita tempuh semua benda sorang-sorang, rasa macam kita dah paling malang, percayalah, kita sebenarnya jauh lagi beruntung dari sesetengah orang. Kita kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Saya tak nak lah masuk campur dalam hal cik, tapi saya cuma nak berkongsi satu ayat yang selalu saya pegang, dari bekas majikan saya."

    "If you found yourself lost in the middle of the road, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way. Sorrylah, English saya berterabur sikit, maklumlah, pemandu grab je. ” Dia berikan senyuman lebar untuk aku. Aku balas senyuman tu, and I felt the warmth of showing kindness.

    Well that how it works aint it? When you show love and compassion, the world will find its route to show it back to you. Yes, the world is tough, sometimes you’re uphill, sometimes you’re at rock bottom. You gotta figure out your ways to play with it. Macam driver grab tadi cakap, although you’re lost in the middle of the road, that doesn’t mean that can’t find your way. Be it way back, or way ahead. And in my case, I’m stuck in the middle. But the best thing about being at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. Up. It’s funny when you’re at your most vulnerable, when you no longer can control those involuntarily tears fall down, and when all hope seems lost, there’s a stranger giving you wise words.

    Life can knock me. It breaks on every body, sometimes the tears are a reminder that you’re a mere human. You can get drown in your own feels but I also need to put on a reminder to myself, that I’m a tough nut to crack.
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