بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْم

Did you know that a few days before my 31st birthday, Abah texted me and asked me to join him for Umrah next year (March 2023). With a heavy heart, I didn't even reply to the text, cause I know how persuasive he could be. I'm still juggling my finances and all, In fact, he did ask all 6 of his kids to join him for that Umrah. Eventually, he managed to get my sister's (Kak Yan) interest to join. (*after a certain extent of negotiations too). 

Long story short, their Umrah trip was scheduled from 4th March - 15th March. The 15th was their touchdown in Malaysia. So before the departure, we were talking about my parent's preparation for the pilgrimage, their health check, their mental check, and who's going to take care of the house, cause only my brother lives here beside them. There were these questions passed around between me and my siblings. What needs to be settled first, cause you know the saying of people going to Umrah/Haji, they shouldn't be worried about what's left at home, as they need to correct their intention of performing ibadah.

Saturday

4th March 2023

If I could remember correctly, there were a few times that I checked on both my parents that night after I arrived home. Whether they have all their goods ready, clothing, medicines, towels, and toiletries, but a lot of the discussion was between me and my sis, since she's the chaperone. She was concerned of who'll be driving them to the airport, and what time shall everyone gather together before one trip there. So that morning, around 2AM, Mom's younger sister, Bik Ani arrived with her family. Did I tell you that she'll be joining the trio, so it's the four of them. 

Since the departure was scheduled for around 845AM that morning, and all Jemaah needs to check in luggage at least 2 hours before that, and the agency requires them to be there even earlier than that, Kak Yan asked everybody to gather around 2AM+, which I laughed it off, cause knowing my family, we won't be on time, and that stresses her out. I remember we departed from home around 320AM and reaches KLIA at around 4AM. Wasn't so bad right? Plus we can't really go in and check in luggage, cause according to the agency, the counter will only open at 6AM. 

So there goes the waiting game. The whole available seats in level 5 were occupied by Jemaah Umrah from various agencies and tourists waiting for their flights. There wasn't much going on, and we only talked amongst each other. Making sure my mom, Bik Ani, Abah, and Kak Yan were fully rested. Around 5AM, the agency distributed breakfast to all Jemaah, and Abah only ate the rice, cause it's fried rice with fried chicken, and Abah can't eat chicken. 

After we checked in luggage, we gather around, exchanged stories, and pictures were taken, big smiles on everyone's faces. It was almost 8AM when they were allowed to pass the gate to go to the immigration so before that, there were hugs, kisses, and cries. I kissed Abah, Mak, Kak Yan, and Bik Ani a few times on the cheeks and forehead, and I was quickly disheartened by the fact that this was goodbye, at least for now. Cried a little, but I taught myself to show strength, cause heck my Mom was super steady, she even overtook the rest of the Jemaah to be in the front row, how even?

The rest of my siblings went home almost right away when the shadows of the four of them disappeared at the departure hall, but Kak Farah, Kak Ida, and I went ahead to the observation deck and waited a few more minutes to see them pass us by. I even managed to get a video of Abah waving at us, gloriously as if saying, "Abah pergi dulu, jaga diri." It wasn't necessarily sad, but more of a humbling feeling. 

We sat there, waiting for their flights to take off - but since it was still early, we saw the bus drive away to Terminal 3, and their plane Oman Air was waiting for them. So after a long empty look, we took off. 

In Between 

Kak Yan updated a few photos of how picturesque Makkah and Madinah were. You could feel the holy city, and everyone let out this humbling vibe of trying their level best to be the most obedient servant to the greater god, Allah swt. 

Just that, on the 4th day of the trip, Abah fell sick. He was having an on-off fever, and lost his appetite to eat heavy meals, which then leads to him not having enough energy to perform wholeheartedly in Makkah. Kak Yan was overwhelmed and often shared to us that she's worried of Abah's condition. 

Lucky for Abah, he was taken care of by the amazing Jemaah in the agency, they gave him meds, made sure that he have something to eat, and got plenty of rest. According to Mom, Abah even manage to do all the ibadah wajib, if not with a companion, he did it alone. The cough he was having, that fever, he kept saying, those were his tests.

We did text occasionally throughout his trip there. Abah dekat mana? Abah dah makan ke belum? Abah mcm mana harini? All the cliche questions we would ask our parents when they were away from us. He did tell me that his fever made him uncomfortable. He was having a runny nose and lost his appetite to eat. So being a bossy youngest child, I told him to wear a few layers of clothing during nighttime, drink a lot of air zamzam, don't forget to eat his meds, and take vitamin C, which atypically, he only replied with ya, InsyaAllah. 

It was around the same time that all 4 of them fell sick, cause of the weather changes. So Kak Yan updated us on how's Mom, and Bik Ani's condition was, but since Kak Yan herself was sick, she couldn't talk much, cause her chest was heavy with a dry cough. 

Abah updated me with pictures surrounding his hotel room. The sunrise, with the caption: Suria pagi dari bumi Madinah. Though it wasn't the best sunrise picture in history, that's the most special sunrise picture to me. The same day he was sharing that last night, he was feeling super cold and his whole body shivered and he felt like dying. To which I responded "Abah pakailah dua tiga lapis baju", and he replied with a simple "Ya."

Occasionally, he did share some pictures, and videos of himself during the visit, some selfies from the group, and updated that he was doing okay, that he had already eaten his medicine, and last one was when he told me that he was waiting for Asr prayers at 350PM. 

Wednesday

15th March 2023

I swear it was super early in the morning that my lazy ass usually needed at least 3-4 sets of alarms to get me to awaken, but it was almost automatically that I'm wide awake. It was right after Subuh prayer that Abg Mie and I drove off to KLIA. The air was cold, the sky was still dark, and just a little brim of lights on our way there. I put on the Flight Radar app on my phone, and the plane safely landed around 7AM sharp. That morning was rather calm, with not too many people hustling out, I waited patiently at the International Arrival gate. And there I saw Bik Ani and Mak walking slowly, and Abah follow suit, but Kak Yan was left at the luggage collection. 

The three of them look lethargic, perhaps the jetlag. There was some issue with Mak and Kak Yan's luggage that needed settling, but Angah drove off with Mak and Abah first. 

All I know was that they slept like a baby for the first few hours when they arrived home. Adjusting to the timezone again, adapting to the home country's weather again. It all seems normal at first. until we all gather for a meal that late evening, Abah didn't join us. When I went to check, his temperature spiked, and he was shivering crazily. 

Panicly, I went to get a wet towel to pat his head and the balance coconut drinks that we bought earlier this morning. For him to drink, so that he could pee away the heat. Fed him some soup, but he refused to eat it, he only sips a lot of the coconut drink, and I gave him a couple of paracetamol. 

So the fever prolonged even after he touched down home. We were worried-sick, and asked him a couple of times shall we take him to the clinic, but again, he shooked his head. That night after Maghrib, I bathed him, and the temperature receded a bit, and he manage to sleep it off. 

Along and Kak Long came to visit, Along massaged Abah's leg gently, and Kak Long cooked some rice porridge. If I knew then, I should've stayed to take care of Abah that night, but I left cause I gotta go back to the office the very next day.

I was praying hard that Allah could grant him his health back, fight off the painful fever, and bring Abah back to his feet. But I know nothing of how the story will go. And to how long I was dueling with this heavy feeling, it's like flickering lights from a candle that's been burning to its wick-end.

-to be continued.

There were just too many deaths happening too often this past couple of weeks. We were usually reminded that those who passed on too early, were beloved of Allah. They were gone too soon, cause Allah loves them more, and they were blessed to no longer sin on this brief Dunya. 

I've lost quite a handful of those I admired. Those who I cherished, and those who I loved. It broke my heart every time the news was passed on. My soul sunk, and the grieving was endless. I always reminded myself that, this part of life is just temporary, and a rather pitstop before all of us gather in the hereafter, insyaAllah. 

Dealing with death was quite overwhelming to be very honest. One minute you were processing the news still, one minute the body of the one you love is in front of you, ready for burial. Burial/Funeral, on the other hand, is equally sorrowful, and humbling. It's the experience of it all, knowing that your life is short, that you needed to be kind and to love, and to spread good, and like how the hands of time were ticking, so does your life. 

In the whole ordeal, you gotta be prepared physically and utmost important, mentally. You gotta keep strong, but never invalidate that you needed to grieve. Cry when it hurts the most, those tears will eventually wipe away the heavy burden on the shoulders. It's the only mechanism to express the sadness, the despair, the loss. 

Fix your intentions to finish arwah's business on Dunya, and left no regrets in saying goodbye. Celebrate the well-lived life, and reflects on all the goods and kindness done by arwah. Always, always, always, say thanks to those who came, who've helped, pre, during, and post-funerals. 

Finally, pray tirelessly, pray for arwah's business in the hereafter, and pray for those who still live, so that we could all leave this brief Dunya, in Husnul Khatimah. Amin-amin, ya Rabbal Al-Amin. 

Jumaat | 08.07.2022

 

21/12/20

In Izira's multiple relationships she had before, she was very particular in saying yes. Nak makan mana, nak keluar pergi mana, nak naik kereta siapa, nak buat apa hari ni, all the common questions during dating, requires a certain answer, and mostly when suggested with some answers, Izira would consider first, before saying yes. Tapi dia semakin belajar, yang dia tak boleh sentiasa jawab ya, untuk setiap pertanyaan, and end up hurting her own feelings. Like all her failed relationships before. 

I can spend the whole day writing about it, but let's not go there. But when we wanna talk about her marriage plans? It's a different story altogether. Marriage is the starting point of sailing in the unforeseen circumstances ahead of you. Love is when you're in the phase of hanging out with someone you like, having mutual conversations and laugh at the idea of having common interests, that's dating. A relationship is a responsibility for both parties to balance out the yin and yang, the black and white, the good and bad, and a relationship was supposed to be murky puddle before it came down to clear water. 

In this timeline, Waris will tell you the story of Izira with his jodoh-prima. The one she did not expect to have a place in her heart, let alone getting on to the question of Will you marry me?

It was very last minute, a short noticed kinda thing. Izira masih blur, dan dia ingatkan lamaran Hail cuma gurauan, lagi teruk dia ingatkan Hail ajak-ajak ayam! Ah sudah...

Cara Izira dan Hail kenal was abrupt spontaneous, but not a surprise as they are colleagues under the same roof. 

Waris remembered correctly, Hail pernah nampak Izira maki supplier dalam talian, like a full-blown *F you kinda curse, and oddly enough, he felt that moment if he saw the girl's worst, he's committed to seeing the girl's best. So he took the first step in knowing the petite Izira. 

Izira bertambah keliru. That guy literally saw a beast, straight-up cursing on top of her lungs, and he fell head over hell for her? Despite being the opposites to each other, the yin and yang, kutub utara kutub selatan, of entirely different background, but the more confusing thing was, notwithstanding with her principle of considering the YES word, she agreed to test the water with Hail. 

They didn't date for too long, give or take, 4-5 months? And out of nowhere, Hail proposed to her. Izira pernah merasa semua jenis rejection, dan banyak versi broken-hearted. She won't let this one be the next. She truly wanna believe that this is it. He's the one. She had her time thinking thru the decision that will make or break her future life. Unbeknownst to anyone else, not even her family, not even her friends, and not even me, 

Izira said yes.

***

In the midst of it all, Izira knew she's gonna hurt some hearts along the way. People that she should consult on such a serious matter. Tapi kalau consult sejuta orang pun, kalau dah sebentuk hati tu diterbitkan rasa yakin dengan orang depan mata, itulah yang dinamakan jodoh. 

When the news broke, Waris was taken back. He met Hail once, in the middle of a pitch-black night, when he came over to Waris' house when Izira and he were hanging out. He was looking for Izira's car, and he knew by heart which was my house. The boy got a strong hunch. 

Waris couldn't make his face, but that was the first time we greeted each other. Fast forward to 4 months after that, the news of Izira got engaged to Hail spread like a contained fire. Izira made some hints of the occasion, and she really made plans to talk about it all night long, like we used to. 

But the day never comes. 

The idea of marriage in Islamic teaching was supposed to be as holistic and all-rounder as possible. For the pair to be able to take care of each other not only physically, mentally, religiously, and complimenting each other's short of characters. 

For Waris, love is steady, rational, and logical. Love usually makes sense, and you could only love someone that you admire and relate to. 

He congratulated Izira on her engagement the day after, via text. 

"Thanks Is, aku nak jumpa kau haritu, tapi your sis said you weren't home yet."

"It's okay, my mom told me about it."

"Aku buat simple je, 5 orang je yang datang dari keluarga dia"

"You're referring to Hail kan?"

"Ha'ah."

"Congrats again Iz"

"Thank you babe."

That was how brief their conversation has gotten these couple of months. In hoping for a more heart-to-heart talk while listening to our favourite song to jam, and braiding each other's hair and making silly jokes, and laughing out loud to the nonsense we talked about in the middle of the night. 

It feels different. It feels odd.

Muzakkir Nur Syafiq Mesni
1991 – 2010
Al-Fatihah

In all humbleness, I’ve come to my senses to write an impactful story to tell. This is my side of the coin that you flipped. I chose tail and you chose head. We got head, and we’re okay with it. During a relationship, there are no specific manual on how to maneuver the wheel. It’s like an accord, both parties signed it, both parties agreed to whatever written black and white on it. But oftentimes we forgot that there’s a grey line, super fine, that we need to look into when it comes to steering two hearts in the stormy ocean ahead. We played good cops bad cops and prayed to God that we don’t get to be the bad cop. People don’t like the bad cop. Bad cop is bad. Bad cop is the reason of all crimes, punishable, downright shameful and troublesome. Unfortunately, in times and times again, I got to be the bad cop. No excuse, just a shameless title put upon me. BAD COP.

You asked of how many chances I want for this relationship. I said I want thousands and more. I want to fix things and make it right I seldom forgot it was the right by your law. It was the right by your choices. It was the right by your preference. On the surface it was clouded by the spitting image of “the right by the righteous rights.” but in truth, nobody knows.

And in those moments of me being the bad cops, people would just throw words and judgment. I made the wrong choice, I screw up, I fucked up. In the famous one-liner “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” The power to change yourself. I’m changing. God knows I’m trying. Staying loyal is in short supply this days, but when you go back and remember of all the good times we’ve had together, the slow dance, the body-shaming, the cuddles, the spooning, the laughter, the movies, the songs, the drive-thrus, the sleep-overs, the cook off, the grocery shoppings, and the down trends. The tears, the fights, the sulks, the raising-voice, the betrayals, the cheatings, the affairs and as per I’m saying, staying loyal comes in a very short supply. Nobody wants to betray nobody.

We have had tons of good fights. Tears running like waterfall, sob like we’re at someone’s funeral, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, confused and losing a part of ourselves. Your main goal is to love me unconditionally, but as all conversation goes, you need to know what’s mine too. My goal is not to disappoint you, and oftentimes, when I got to be the bad cops, it’s numbing. I’m always in the wrong track of time, of law, of luck. We’re both adults, and we’re both hate wasting times at petty fights and unnecessary conversations. But fights and conversations are the empirical prove that we’re communicating. And you’re a firm believer that communicating wasn’t enough. Both needs to comprehend the situation and respond accordingly. But what if fights are the only thing that kept us going so far? What if this relationship is standing on a thin thread of fights alone.

I’m not used to the idea of fitting in the mold of typical couple with their typical activities. But that wasn’t thrill, this was wrong. I’ve learnt my lesson, my ego is bruised, and it breaks me seeing you disappointed in me. Like I failed to be the guy you’ve always wanted me to be.

Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. When you pushed me away, and you said I should go and be with whoever I please except you. But whenever I tried to please you, it comes out bullshit and cheesy and I felt useless. Remember that I was about to leave and I choked on the word of asking you to help me unlock the door cause I don’t have the keys to the padlock.

Just know that, begging someone to love you is piercing hurt. But begging you to let me go, that’s a different level of pain. It’s agonizing. I’m going just because to see you’re happy with someone else and not stuck with a bad cop like me. I’m going because you asked me to leave. I hate myself seeing you sad. I hate myself that I keep disappointing you. I hate myself for it. Whatever happened tonight was a different kind of drain. Drain to the soul, to the mind alike. And when you simply whisper stay, that’s when I know you’re giving me a chance. Perhaps the last one? Nobody knows.

Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. But whatever happened after last night is a different story altogether.