A Safekeeping Journal of the Fatherless Children - Log 5: To Abah, Forevermore

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

To Abah, 

Thank you for showing us how to endure the worst storms in our lives. Thank you for giving us the chance to live a moderate life, but always sufficient. Thank you for taking care of this small unit of a family. Thank you for not giving up on your children, being supportive of our passions, teaching us the way of life, reminding us to put religion first, and family on top priority, being headstrong, and living with firm principles of life. 

Thank you for being there when we needed you, especially when I needed you. Thank you for fetching me up from school all those years, thank you for always signing off my report cards even though I didn't remarkably excel during school, and thank you for without fail, sending me off to Uni every Sunday night. Thank you for paving the way that we needed to take, but giving ample space for us to choose the path by ourselves.

Thank you for the guidance you've given us since day 1. You're the strongest figure in my whole life. You're the number one example that I looked up to, I aspire in being all the good character of yours. Your wide vast knowledge of Islam was admirable, and I still remember a few occasions that I followed you to the night classes you taught in little quaint surau, where the Jemaah were small and bonded tightly. I remembered vividly there was some surau who loves to give us local tropical fruits every time the lesson was done, and abundant food. 

I remember always looking forward to what you brought back from your night classes. We didn't care that we ate dinner, we just were so excited to see what food you brought home. 

Thank you for showing how respected and reputable of a man you are. Thank you for teaching us that one should always be humble no matter where we are. To carve our own path, and walk at our own pace. 

To Abah, 

You'll live in our prayers, in our memories, and in each and every time you flash by our recollection space. You'll live as long as people practice what you preached, and truth be told dear Abah, you've preached many, you've preached masses, and you've preached well, you've spread your wings with generosity, embrace differences, and showed kindness like no other. 

All our cats and kittens would pray for you too, Abah. I know for sure Tupai would miss you picking her up every morning. You're a good man Abah, I aspire to be you, today, and onwards. 

To Abah, 

From the bottom of our hearts, rest well Abah. Rest assured that your deeds in this temporary world were done. You've done it all, you've taught patiently, you've preached generously, you gave your all, you shared halves of what you don't have, you spoke forever softly, you loved well, and you lived well.

Last Friday was supposed to be your grandiose 68th birthday celebration. We held a small gathering marking the end of Raya and in regard to your passing, we recited Yassin and tahlil for you and all our loved ones who passed before us. That morning was cold and cloudy. There were some tears that afternoon. Some wept for your passing, but your kids held strong. We held strong for Mak, we held strong in solidarity for each other. We can't show weakness in front of Mak, and we can't show weakness in front of your siblings (our aunts) cause they wept louder, but our grief was bitter.

To Abah, 

I remembered that the last time I cried for you was during your burial at the cemetery, and I've never cried after. I tried to indulge myself in work, kept myself busy, and showed strength in front of my friends and especially in front of Mak. But last week, I was on my knees, sobbing, and I felt like someone was trying to rip open my chest cause I can't breathe right. The feeling was so heavy, that the longing felt ominous. Missing someone you know you could meet again the next day or the next week, or the next month is assuring. But missing someone you lost forever in this world, was terrifying.

But we have to get back up. Continuously praying for the ones who left us, and trying our best for the ones who still live. 

To Abah,

This is the first to many celebrations without you. But it won't stop me from celebrating your well-lived life. Meaningful, great, prominent recollections that will surely be stuck in my core memory, and some will forever live in our practices. This is a celebration of your teachings, and all the guidance, and wise words you left behind. This is for you Abah.

InsyaAllah, in peace, that you left this world, safe travels until our final journey in the hereafter. May Allah reunites all of us once more, and may we meet again Abah.

Sincerely, with heart contempt of your love and forever missing your presence,

-Your youngest child.