• First of all, it’s the very definition of having someone mutually affectionate towards you that lit the fire. You can have self-love but to how long it will bend before it breaks. I used to have everything. Good job, good pay, good friends, good companion, but it all changed when I know the last person I can count on is me. I gotta be that selfish guy micro-managing everything by myself. Everything. I’ve always been the private one. I rarely talk about what’s going on in my mind unless someone is smart enough to pull out the story from my throat, word by word.

    Aku bukan jenis yang suka nak jaja cerita sendiri, or millennial term for it is, humble bragging. Posting it up on social media and let people know that you’re facing an alarming problem that the rest of the world should turn their heads to you. NOPE. I’ll pass. Even those who are super close to me; I’ll choose my words wisely before I start talking. Some people only want the juice and nothing more, they want your suffering so they could sell to someone else later on. Some are really undoubtedly genuine to hear you out, but what makes it different is how the listener reacts to it, and what comes after.

    Aku rasa harini paling mencabar untuk aku. Work is tiring, body is exhausting, energy is draining, and love, love is fading. Loving who? That’s not quite the question, but rather, loving when. You see, the condition will change drastically when you ask someone, who are you dating? So the answer should always be the name of someone-someone. But make it rather, ambiguous by asking, when do you love?

    Kalau kau yakin dengan pilihan kau, soalan tu senang je. Kau dah boleh jawab dengan sepantas kilat. Bila kau rasa orang yg kau jalinkan hubungan sekarang ni positif jodoh kau, you just gotta answer it right there and then. Aku pernah bercinta dengan orang yang tak reti ekspreskan apa yang dia rasa. Sampai aku sendiri kena jerit depan muka dia, suruh dia cakap apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia nak luahkan. Sebiji macam director Ahmad Nisfu sumpah seranah suruh talent dia dalam sesi screen test.

    Ironically, I’m doing it now. I’m doing the silent screen test. Bukan sebab aku tak reti ekspreskan apa yang terbuku dalam kepala dan dada aku. Aku takut orang tak pandai react mcm mana cara aku micro-manage perasaan aku ni. Better aku simpan sendiri. I acted cold, but I’m also good at it.

    After work just now I took a grab home. It was a silent drive with a faint lousy music coming out from the radio, but my head is exploding with thoughts and suggestive imaginations. It was loud and I almost forgot that I’m in a stranger’s car. I tried to suppress all this emotions and not letting them out, not even a sniff of me sobbing. Crying, but silently, so loud, but deafening.

    Grab berhenti depan rumah. Samar2 aku dengar suara orang. Only after a few seconds baru aku perasan yang kenderaan dah berhenti depan rumah aku.

    “Cik?” soal pemandu Grab tadi. Dia menoleh ke arah aku. Cepat2 aku seka air mata, tapi dia perasan.
    “Cik ok?” Aku angguk, seraya menarik senyum kelat paksa. Aku kutip semua barang aku, tapi sebelum aku buka pintu kereta, pemandu grab tadi pesan.

    “Cik, hidup ni memang susah sikit. Kena struggle, kadang-kadang kita dekat atas, kadang-kadang kita dekat bawah. Walaupun kita rasa macam kita tempuh semua benda sorang-sorang, rasa macam kita dah paling malang, percayalah, kita sebenarnya jauh lagi beruntung dari sesetengah orang. Kita kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Saya tak nak lah masuk campur dalam hal cik, tapi saya cuma nak berkongsi satu ayat yang selalu saya pegang, dari bekas majikan saya."

    "If you found yourself lost in the middle of the road, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way. Sorrylah, English saya berterabur sikit, maklumlah, pemandu grab je. ” Dia berikan senyuman lebar untuk aku. Aku balas senyuman tu, and I felt the warmth of showing kindness.

    Well that how it works aint it? When you show love and compassion, the world will find its route to show it back to you. Yes, the world is tough, sometimes you’re uphill, sometimes you’re at rock bottom. You gotta figure out your ways to play with it. Macam driver grab tadi cakap, although you’re lost in the middle of the road, that doesn’t mean that can’t find your way. Be it way back, or way ahead. And in my case, I’m stuck in the middle. But the best thing about being at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. Up. It’s funny when you’re at your most vulnerable, when you no longer can control those involuntarily tears fall down, and when all hope seems lost, there’s a stranger giving you wise words.

    Life can knock me. It breaks on every body, sometimes the tears are a reminder that you’re a mere human. You can get drown in your own feels but I also need to put on a reminder to myself, that I’m a tough nut to crack.

  • 12/9/2018

    Hidup kalau mengikut kehendak hati, mati. Kau cari kedamaian dari pundak seorang lelaki, kau tak akan aman dengan nafsu dia yang berubah-ubah macam pantai kena bah dengan ombak. Kau cari ketenangan dengan genggaman tangan pasangan kau, seperti menggenggam bara api yang sah belum punya ikatan halal, tapi kau halalkan ikut budaya dan akhirnya kau bakar diri sendiri. Sejauh mana janji seorang anak Adam itu boleh dipercayai? Dalam sejarah manusia, kau tak payah Islamisasikan cerita ni, nabi Adam dibuang syurga kerana terikut hasutan pasangannya Hawa makan buah larangan. Siapa yang punya angkara? Kau nak salahkan Hawa? Hawa pun kena goda dengan makhluk api tu. Memang naluri seorang yang bernama manusia, mengikut nafsu dan melanggar peraturan. Tapi hanya asbab kita diberikan akal oleh Allah S.W.T, kita dipilih menjadi khalifahNya di muka bumi untuk mengepalai sekalian makhluk. Jangan kita sendiri yang menjadi makhluk mengikut nubari dan bukan akal fikiran kurniaanNYA.

    Entah kenapa Iji terasa cendol Jalan Kubur pahit semacam. Dia menolak mangkuk cendol tadi perlahan. Win memandang Iji hairan. 

    “Kau yang ajak aku menyendol, kenapa tak makan?” Win setia menyuap mee ayam panas-panas berwap kaca mata dia.

    “Aku tak selera.” Iji tak pandang muka Win. Win meletakkan sudunya ke dalam mangkuk dan berpaling ke arah Iji.

    Win mengeluh. Dia memandang Iji dengan pandangan simpati. 

    “Dia yang minta putus Win, aku ni, masih sayangkan dia” 

    “Ya, betul. Dah seribu kali aku dengar lelaki tu yang minta putus, bukan kau. Dan seribu kali juga aku dengar kau cakap kau masih sayangkan dia. Aku tak suruh kau putus asa pasal perasaan kau dekat dia, aku nak nasihatkan kau untuk tak putus asa dengan hidup kau”

    “Aku dah cuba nak lupakan dia Win. Macam ni rupanya rasa kena buang,”

    “Hey” Win memandang Iji tepat ke dalam dua biji matanya. ”Kau nak salahkan siapa?” Iji senyap. “Kau nak salahkan dia? Sebab minta putus? Kau nak salahkan diri kau? Sebab kononnya kau bukan yang terbaik untuk dia? Kau nak salahkan siapa? Tuhan? Senang-senang cakap, jodoh tak panjang, macam tu?” Mata Iji berkaca.

    “Orang kahwin 50 tahun pun boleh bercerai Iji, ini kan korang yang baru tiga tahun BERCINTA, tak ada hubungan halal akad ke apa.”

    “Tiga tahun ni lama tau, aku turutkan setia aku untuk dia seorang je.” Iji mengelap air matanya yang mengalir laju.

    “Kat situlah kau silap Ji, benda pelik pasal setia ni, soal hati. Kau ingatkan aku balik, dia cakap apa dekat kau masa dia minta putus haritu?” Iji berpaling. Enggan menjawab soalan Win.

    “Dia rasa kosong, dia dah tak ada perasaan Ji. Sebab tu aku cakap, soal hati ni bukan boleh kita pegang masuk dalam sampul, gam guna gam gajah, bukan kerja kita. Bergolok gadai nak membuktikan cinta seutuh gunung mana pun, kalau hati dia tu dah memang tak nak dekat kita, memang tak boleh buat apa dah.” Iji mula menangis. Dia tidak pedulikan pelanggan lain di warung.

    “Bukan kau sepatutnya pujuk aku ke?” Win geleng.

    "Itulah yang pelik bin hairan pasal cinta ni Iji, kita memang boleh suka dekat sesiapa pun yang kita nak suka, tapi kena ingat, diorang pun boleh" Win mengusap bahu Iji perlahan.
    ...

    Iji terdetik sendiri. Lama dia merenung ke bawah, boleh tahan jauh menjunam gaung Bukit Kluang ni. Takkan dia nak cabut nyawa sendiri? Habis tu malaikat pencabut nyawa nak buat apa? Goyang kaki? Dia biarkan angin kuat menampar pipinya, membelai rambutnya, terasa lebih nyaman dari tangan kasar lelaki bertopeng syaitan yang membelai rambutnya sebelum ini. Kepura-puraan. Dia teringat apa yang dia hamburkan pada Win.

    “Kalau ini keputusan dia, aku akan tutup pintu hati aku sampai bila-bila! Biarlah! Biar aku tak kahwin sampai hujung nyawa aku!”

    Iji tersengih sendiri. Manusia, kalau sedang berkocak emosi, segala kata cacian dia muntahkan, segala benda yang dia pernah suka jadi benci, segala kata kesat yang dia tak suka dengar dia yang luahkan sendiri. Kalau pun betul yang dia nak tutup pintu hati buat selama-lamanya, agar tak ada seorang kaum Adam pun dapat tembus nak jual madah cinta palsu dengan dia lagi, dia tersentak. Kononnya pandu jauh sampai ke negeri orang nak cari ketenangan, dah panjat bukit sampai mengah tak cukup oksigen ke otak, kaki nak tercabut, masih tak dapat ketenangan yang dicari-cari. Sekali lagi dia teringat, tetapi kali ini apa yang Win hamburkan pada dia.

    “Kat mana pun kau hilangkan diri mencari ketenangan, mencari diri kau sendiri, kalau Allah tak izinkan, kau tak akan dapat ketenangan tu. Kau pernah bagitahu aku, Dia yang pegang hati orang, Dia boleh buat orang tu suka pada kita, atau pun benci pada kita, tapi kau jangan lupa Ji, Dia juga yang pegang hati kau. Dengan izin Dia yang Maha Kuasa, Dia sahaja yang boleh berikan kau ketenangan. Total.”

    Iji meraup romannya yang tak sedar dah basah beberapa titis air matanya mengalir laju. Awan kumulonimbus bersatu perlahan. Mendung berarak memayungi bukit Kluang. Tanda hari nak hujan. Baiknya hari akan sejuk dan dingin, yang tak baiknya, Iji akan terperangkap atas bukit Kluang. Dia mengatur langkah untuk hike-down. Sebelum itu, dia pandang merinding ke hadapan. Pulau Perhentian Besar, ke hadapan lagi, terbentang luas Laut China Selatan. Kalau ke utara sedikit sudah masuk ke Teluk Thailand, kalau ke Selatan lagi sudah masuk ke Archipelago Riau.

    Usai dia menjejak kaki ke tanah rata, dia terus menuju ke sebuah surau berdekatan. Dia sucikan diri dengan wudhu dan solat hajat dua rakaat. Semahunya dia berdoa dalam sujud rakaat terakhir. Iji bangun memberi salam. Dia menadah tangan, meminta doa bukan untuk dijodohkan dengan orang yang baik-baik lagi, dia minta agar hatinya kuat menongkah dugaan yang Tuhannya sendiri dah tulis untuknya.

    Dia fokus ke hadapan, tirai yang menghalang ruang solat lelaki dan perempuan. Dan saat dia merinding tertumpu ke hadapan itulah hatinya dijentik oleh Tuhan. Iji mendapat ketenangan yang dia cari, meditasi dari pemanduan dia beratus kilometer dari ibu kota semata-mata ingin mencari kesejahteraan hati. Bukan di atas puncak bukit tinggi Tuhan berikan kedamaian itu, Dia rindukan doa-doa hambaNya yang sedang berduka lara. Atas hamparan bersujud kepadaNya, Iji mengalirkan air mata terharu. Dia hanya merancang, tapi perancangan Allah itulah rancangan yang paling baik. Lantas dia sujud syukur.

    "Aku berbisik pada bumi-Mu ya Allah, agar terdengar di langit-Mu"

    Tamat.
  • Greetings. Welcome to my humble portfolio compatible to blog format. Please feel free to comb thru the photos as they have been categorized together according to their titled group. All works are original unless stated so. Images used were outsourced from google pictures. Half of the works are assignment based for academic purposes and are not for outside use. My editing works varies from theater posters, documentary posters, assignments posters, up to test shoot (editorial photoshoot). 

    Disclaimer: In a lot of the Editorial photoshoot, I was potrayed as the main model, but these were all just for personal fun. I am not a professional, paid or trained model but open for any possibilities. The shoots are mainly for personal use and collection only.

    1. Theater Posters
    Senteri Mungkar (1st Show 2015)

    Samaran Karma (2nd Show 2016)

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 1st Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 2nd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 3rd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 4th Version

    Kintsugi (Reprise Show 2017) New Version

    Maharani (4th Show 2018)

    2. Video Assignment Posters
    Orkid : Short Film (2015)
    #switchoffthestereo : Documentary (2017)
    Stepmom : Reprise Short Film (2017) 
    Fitting In : Documentary (Mock-up Poster) (2017)
    Fitting In : Documentary (Tilt Version) (2017)
    3. Assignments Posters
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Book Cover Version)
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Movie Poster Version)
    Language At The Workplace Poster : Report Writing
    Si Tenggang Homecoming : Poster

    4. Editorial Shoots (Personal Collection)

    i) Open Season Photoshoot 
    (Photographed & Edited by Mietography) Click on the word Mietography and feel free to browse through their website for more editorial photoshoot that I've co-directed with the team.

    ii) #switchoffthestereo Test Shoot

    iii) WHACK Album Photoshoot 
    (Photographed by Mietography, Fully edited by myself)


    iv) The Nocturnals 
    (2018 Aidilfitri Photoshoot) Featuring the whole family, it has become an annual tradition for us to gather and work for an editorial shoot with the whole family during Raya.

    1st Teaser
    2nd Teaser
    3rd Concept Teaser
    4th Concept Teaser

    End of Portfolio (as updated on 4th of July 2018) 
    *to be updated from time to time. 

    Appreciate your stay. 
  • It was a cold night back then. In a computer lab, super remote, ground floor of the administration building. We were having an IT class I reckon. That was the birth of this blog.

    It has gone thru countless of editing, drafts, template changes, tags, deleted entries, tribute posts, uploads for transfers, friend making medium, heart breaking (inevitable) and so much more. It has seen the admin in his tears, loudest laugh, purest heart, darkest secrets in the draft box, and a thousand more memories in the making.

    It acts as a personal diary, with almost 700 followers back then. But now, it just becoming a pit-stop for a late night writing session. It has been bridges linking new people, new ideas, new stuff to share, stories to be heard, people to meet, hands to shake, hearts to break. This has been the longest achievement I've managed to keep it alive.

    It has gone thru the most active years of its own. The PRIME blogging era, the one day up till 5 entries. The PING at almost 20 different FB pages. The tags, the chatbox, the drops, the visits, and everything in its power just to get people to come visit, and read. This blog has been thru it all.

    I must say, I was a bit disappointed when I can't sustain the activeness, the story telling, the segments, but yeah, life moves on. No ticking back, just ticking forward.

    It has witnessed lives, and deaths of people I've loved, I've known, I've talked to. It has witnessed love far greater than story books, dramas far worse than movies. It knows it all.

    In despite of all loses, there are gain. People can relate after the read. People responds, commented and react to the stories. That's what makes the writing a bit worthy. As of today, a friend of mine lost his dear father, my cousin wedded to a lovely girl. Life is so much more than just a piece of blogspot. Life is out there, waiting for adventurers, roaming and experience it themselves.

    In loving memory of the late Mohd Johari, my dear friend Akir, some other people highlighted to have gone left us for the Creator. Al-Fatihah.

    In lieu of new stories to write, new love to share, new dramas to unfold, Bismillah.
    It was a cold night back then. 9 years back then.
  • Salam Akir. Here we go again. Today, marks the 8th year of your departure. Leaving us, leaving your family, your parents, your siblings, your hometown, your friends, leaving me. This shouldn't be the same old same old tear-jerker kinda entry as I wrote that a few years back. I didnt got the time to write you a tribute entry last year, I'm sorry. Usually, I'd just steal sometimes to honor you by posting your edited photos up in social medias. I do have the best edited photo of you for last year, it was just, I couldn't find the time to write to you. 

    Dear Akir, 

    Rest well. We know you're in good hands, in Allah's embrace. You left on a very calm Friday. Cold, windy, rainy Friday. A lot of us cried that day, especially your family. I did too. Years passed by, some of us might have forgotten of the day you left, some may just remembered that you passed, some may remembered the how, the when, the where. Some may never find the solace of your departure, some may just leave it to Allah. I would always look forward to June Akir. To how I wanna edit some more tribute pics of you, to writing to you these cheesy letters, entries, short poems, remembering you thru ur favorite songs. 

    I couldn't find the right phrase or words to describe my longing to you. But as far as I am still breathing, my prayers go to you darling. If missing you is in a little light bulb, it will stay lit, on and on.

    Dear Akir,

    Today is already the 26th Ramadan, and for a lot of us, this is the final push towards that one night holier than a thousand months. There'll be a lot of Muslims overnight for extra ibadah, be it personally, or jamaie. And for me, tonight is for you Akir. Honoring you, remembering you, and my prayers for you. May you ever be joyous in the hereafter, granted Jannah as per promised will be presented to the humblest servant of Allah, and Akir,

    Till Then, 
    Al Fatihah.
  • Hey guys. Salam hari Jumaat. So on last Wednesday (9th May 2018) the whole Malaysia was shooketh on the poling results after our 14th General Election to pick a new governing body for Malaysia. 

    Ia merupakan satu pengalaman baru bagi aku sebab this was my first time voting. Kawan aku yang lahir bulan Januari/Februari 1991, this was their second since diorang sempat mendaftar utk vote at 13th PRU, 5 years ago (klau slh sila betulkn). So kalau nak cerita pengalaman first timer tu, sama je kut untuk any 90s babies especially 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96 & some of 97 babies. 

    I still remember how I'd registered dkt kampus dulu with one of my bff, and we were so excited to cast our first vote that will change the shape of the future. (bunyik nak gah je). Anyhoo, at that time I would already know by heart who should I cast my vote to since the tyrannical government yg dah memerintah and has been a pain in the ass for the past two semesters of their ruling. 

    The funny part of my first hand experience voting was that, the whole family has to go back to Sungai Buloh to vote, and I'm the only one tersangkut kena pergi vote dkt SK Batu Arang. Nasib baik sepupu aku pun vote kat situ, so we went early that morning. Cerita dia, sepupu aku ajak pukul 6.30 pagi! tak boleh blah (asdfghjkl) punyalah aku bgn awal pagi tu, sekali dia datang amik kat rumah pukul 7.50 dah nak dekat pukul 8. PIGIDAH JANJI MELAYU KAU IJAH!

    Once dah park kereta, time ni dah ada satu barisan luar sekolah sementara tunggu pintu pagar utama sekolah tu bukak since voting starts at 8 and kitorang sampai memang tepat pukul 8. Lucky us, tak ramai sangat time tu. We went in, and queue macam biasa. (Ada this one funny incident happened before I went to line up, tapi ni aku simpan koleksi peribadi jelah) So aku sempat borak dengan perempuan cina depan aku, she was so friendly with her warm smile. Dia tegur semua orang, and a few malay guys up front keep on reminding people queuing behind us by saying, Ni Saluran 5, Saluran 4 kat depan sana. (It was a small gesture tp jadikan the whole voting process a bit more smooth). 

    Petang tu, Ijah belanja Subway dkt Aeon Rawang & kitorang cari cendol sampai ke celah kampung semata2 and talk about everything yg dah lama pending (ni boleh save untuk entry lain kali). That night, I got home and stayed dpan tv smpai pukul 4 pagi, tengok Malaysia Memilih dekat Astro Awani. I gotta say this, Awani is by far, THE MOST HONEST & SPOT ON media yang takde filter dah nak jaga hati ke apa ke, dat was the kinda media dat we want. Bukan yang dok feeding us sugar-coated news, sampai naik berbulu telinga mendengar. 

    Later that morning at 3 am, it has been announced by our beloved Tun Mahathir that Pakatan Harapan won by simple majority of the parliament and dat made them our new government. It got so interesting during the whole process where I got to scroll twitter tgok warga twitter meroyan and bashing on SPR, all viral notes saying ada riot coming in Klang, Putrajaya and a few more places, saying akan ada darurat yadda yadda yadda. But apparently, everything went well and Alhamdulillah, the tyrannical dictator was brought down with fair and square via votes of furious but yet intelligent citizens. (Mama iz proud)

    PRU 14 has mark the image of how an election should work and how the voices of the citizens matter the most to change the governing body. & Afta dat long ass 60 years of dictatorship, we manage to secure a better future in some very good and promising hands of the new cabinet. A super sleek democracy indeed.

    I've read somewhere saying bout the past black history of our DSAI & Tun and how come they could shake hands and hug it out like nothing happened. Some people bash on saying the very next day, GST was still on going and that the new government was a lie and trash (yang ni, minx org yg cakap pasal GST belum terhapus tu, minx dia hapuskan diri dia sendiri please). I laughed it off. I've read some tweets and Instagram captions from our home-grown artists, Afdlin Shauki, Yuna, Adibah Noor by saying some very inspirational and almost tear-jerking stuff, congratulating the new government. 

    We are here to stay, protecting our nation out of bribery, out of scandals, out of conspiracy, out of scams, out of tyranny and dictatorship, out of abuse, out of everything that is wrong and manipulative to the people of the country. 9th May 2018 marks the day of a beautiful nation, changing for the better, growing for the better, and to the black history that will soon be use as a bidding point from the opposition to the new lineup of leaders, it was the power of forgiveness we saw beyond virtue. 

    From a lesson-learnt citizen, To the new governing government, For a better nation, 
    Salam Malaysia Baharu.
    Love, Anas Roshad.

    //

    Education corner. 
    Korang kalau yang tak tau Biduk tu apa, Kiambang tu apa, ha ni ada google picture. LOL.
  • Salam guys. 
    Today's topic:
    So my family decided to put on a kenduri tahlil/kesyukuran menyambut Ramadhan tomorrow Saturday 5th of May 2018. I am working from home, and as a traditionalist parents that I've got, they'll just put me under the category of unemployed. So as we speak, my parents were worried sick of how I'm still chill and relax by the idea of me not working and be resourceful of my own. So earlier on (as I'm typing this entry) I went to the kitchen just to find my mom was busy chopping potatoes, soaking green beans for bubur kacang later, frying tempe and she starts whining of how I am never a help in the kitchen while she's busy doing all these stuff. 

    The menu is pretty epic, lining up to Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak, Ayam Goreng Berempah, Gulai Nenas Ikan Masin, Ikan Keli Goreng Sambal, two more fishes TBA of the dishes, some fruits, popiah goreng, kek batik and air sarsi. I was shocked, but that's kinda the norm of whenever this family put on a kenduri. 

    Here's the ranting part of my mom to me earlier just now. She said, 

    "Esok jangan tidur je, bangun awal, tolong mak, banyak benda nak kena buat. Nanti semua orang tanya mak, mana Anas, mana Anas, mana Anas, kau tu keje tidur je," as always, that has been her favorite modal to make me do work. But to her non-concerning mind, I'd already came out with a fistful amount of thoughts to it. 

    I know a lot of guests will come, collectively from my relatives, my parents closest friends, the neighborhood and some random people that I might or might not recognize their face will attend the kenduri. Traditionally as it has always been, the kenduri will start after Zohor, with greetings from my dad and tahlil right after. Now, here comes the part where we feed the guests. 

    I was brought up with enough information about this kenduri thang and how it works, and how it exhaust the host and how it really means to feed people who came to your house and do some tahlil with you. Here comes the part where I got triggered. Mom was so furious when I caged myself up in the room because I don't wanna meet my super-bawang maciks and their super-bawang questions, but mind you, I've already got plenty of counter attack answers to that. The thing that triggers me the most is how my mom blurt out saying she's so freaking tired of cooking of preparing a lot of stuff with no help from her kids (this is so untrue) and how she wanted all of her kids to layan the guests and entertain them. I for one has a supreme allergies to bullshits comes to the realization that, WHO ARE WE KIDDING?

    I was about to educate my mom on this but she said this first. 

    "Belajar tinggi-tinggi tapi tak boleh fikir" Kak Ros triggered me hard. 

    The idea of me going out and entertain the guests? Yes, acceptable. But to impress them with their shitty questions? and people asking of my whereabouts? (INTENSIFIES) I am under no obligation to impress these people I hardly even talk to except raya or just a simple hai, apa khabar that's it. But to my mom's mind, I have to fulfill their wishes of wanting to know my whereabouts, wad do I do now, bila nak kahwin, bila nak mati dan segala mak nenek soalan dorang nak bagi. Now, that idea right there, is a bullshit of idea of having a kenduri. 
    This is 2018 guys. This is the era of where people mind their own business. Kau nak kerja? Kau nak kahwin? Kau nak pindah rumah? Kau nak mati? It's up to you, nobody else will do it for you. It's your effort, your job, your thang. There'll be people saying, in religion saying that we should take care of our relatives and all, yes shit. Look at how you look after your neighborhood. Sometimes benda tu pemanis mulut je, ice breaking to start a conversation, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THAT. But seeing my mom taking shit too serious like my future depends on talking to relatives and reporting my status to them, now that's what triggers me the most. 
    Guys, I'm not saying this to burukkan my relatives, I'm sure enough all sedara melayu did this once in a while, I love my saudara mara from my abah's side or my mak's side. They're cool. The idea of this entry was simply just to fight off my mom's idea of how a kenduri should work. 

    You know what's the ugly truth of having to hold a kenduri at your house is? Guests will never know your financial state, you burn your chicken when you're cooking Ayam Rempah, you chopped your finger when you're slice open a big ass tembikai, or let alone what's your health a night before. They come for the feast, they did ask how do we do though, but obviously we're gonna answer almost immediately we're doing fine.

    Don't take me wrong, some did come early to help, I was just focusing on those people who think they're the superior guests. Weh, kalau aku datang rumah orang lambat (lagi2 sedara) and tak tolong pape, aku tutup mulut je weh, takde nak jadi Super-Bawang kat situ. Ringan tangan tolong basuhkan pinggan or clean up the mess dkt buffet pun dah kira ok. And to that point I'm asking again, datang pun sekadar untuk makan kenduri, what makes them eligible of knowing what's my struggle and what I'm fighting for when they weren't even there in the first place.

    Kau makan dan kau berambus. Kau sapa nak tau pasal hidup aku? I don't even know you. Habis citer.

    p/s: people will say I'm ignorant in being in my own bubble, or tak nak campur orang. Oh honey trust me, I've met enough people to take them seriously or not.

    some more p/s: I don't think I can educate my mom on this rebellious idea, see, she's a traditionalist minded. It's just how things are. Samalah macam macik2 Super Bawang yang tak ke mana tu. Saying I'm not doing anything with me not working and them membawang has no outcome of it, what's make the difference? Odd...