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  • 22/12/2020

    Waris told us about the oddity of his relationship with Izara. It wasn't ranting on unrequited love or longing for attention. He wasn't 

  • 21/12/20

    In Izira's multiple relationships she had before, she was very particular in saying yes. Nak makan mana, nak keluar pergi mana, nak naik kereta siapa, nak buat apa hari ni, all the common questions during dating, requires a certain answer, and mostly when suggested with some answers, Izira would consider first, before saying yes. Tapi dia semakin belajar, yang dia tak boleh sentiasa jawab ya, untuk setiap pertanyaan, and end up hurting her own feelings. Like all her failed relationships before. 

    I can spend the whole day writing about it, but let's not go there. But when we wanna talk about her marriage plans? It's a different story altogether. Marriage is the starting point of sailing in the unforeseen circumstances ahead of you. Love is when you're in the phase of hanging out with someone you like, having mutual conversations and laugh at the idea of having common interests, that's dating. A relationship is a responsibility for both parties to balance out the yin and yang, the black and white, the good and bad, and a relationship was supposed to be murky puddle before it came down to clear water. 

    In this timeline, Waris will tell you the story of Izira with his jodoh-prima. The one she did not expect to have a place in her heart, let alone getting on to the question of Will you marry me?

    It was very last minute, a short noticed kinda thing. Izira masih blur, dan dia ingatkan lamaran Hail cuma gurauan, lagi teruk dia ingatkan Hail ajak-ajak ayam! Ah sudah...

    Cara Izira dan Hail kenal was abrupt spontaneous, but not a surprise as they are colleagues under the same roof. 

    Waris remembered correctly, Hail pernah nampak Izira maki supplier dalam talian, like a full-blown *F you kinda curse, and oddly enough, he felt that moment if he saw the girl's worst, he's committed to seeing the girl's best. So he took the first step in knowing the petite Izira. 

    Izira bertambah keliru. That guy literally saw a beast, straight-up cursing on top of her lungs, and he fell head over hell for her? Despite being the opposites to each other, the yin and yang, kutub utara kutub selatan, of entirely different background, but the more confusing thing was, notwithstanding with her principle of considering the YES word, she agreed to test the water with Hail. 

    They didn't date for too long, give or take, 4-5 months? And out of nowhere, Hail proposed to her. Izira pernah merasa semua jenis rejection, dan banyak versi broken-hearted. She won't let this one be the next. She truly wanna believe that this is it. He's the one. She had her time thinking thru the decision that will make or break her future life. Unbeknownst to anyone else, not even her family, not even her friends, and not even me, 

    Izira said yes.

    ***

    In the midst of it all, Izira knew she's gonna hurt some hearts along the way. People that she should consult on such a serious matter. Tapi kalau consult sejuta orang pun, kalau dah sebentuk hati tu diterbitkan rasa yakin dengan orang depan mata, itulah yang dinamakan jodoh. 

    When the news broke, Waris was taken back. He met Hail once, in the middle of a pitch-black night, when he came over to Waris' house when Izira and he were hanging out. He was looking for Izira's car, and he knew by heart which was my house. The boy got a strong hunch. 

    Waris couldn't make his face, but that was the first time we greeted each other. Fast forward to 4 months after that, the news of Izira got engaged to Hail spread like a contained fire. Izira made some hints of the occasion, and she really made plans to talk about it all night long, like we used to. 

    But the day never comes. 

    The idea of marriage in Islamic teaching was supposed to be as holistic and all-rounder as possible. For the pair to be able to take care of each other not only physically, mentally, religiously, and complimenting each other's short of characters. 

    For Waris, love is steady, rational, and logical. Love usually makes sense, and you could only love someone that you admire and relate to. 

    He congratulated Izira on her engagement the day after, via text. 

    "Thanks Is, aku nak jumpa kau haritu, tapi your sis said you weren't home yet."

    "It's okay, my mom told me about it."

    "Aku buat simple je, 5 orang je yang datang dari keluarga dia"

    "You're referring to Hail kan?"

    "Ha'ah."

    "Congrats again Iz"

    "Thank you babe."

    That was how brief their conversation has gotten these couple of months. In hoping for a more heart-to-heart talk while listening to our favourite song to jam, and braiding each other's hair and making silly jokes, and laughing out loud to the nonsense we talked about in the middle of the night. 

    It feels different. It feels odd.


  • This wasn’t necessarily gonna be the sappy entry or the typical tribute post for you dear. This was the hit-hard, slap-hard, that I got just a few hours ago. The reality is that, you’re gone, and I got to live. You’re gone, and I got to mourn of your lost. You’re gone, and I have to tender to my sobbing feelings. 

    Dear, it was 10 years. Flew so fricking fast! Could I look back at how we met? Of your warm hugs and witty remarks, and how you’ve made yourself a fool. A smart fool it is. Dear when you left, the sky was a jarring grey and there was thunderstorm. When you left, the whole campus was wet, with rain, and tears. But you get to leave in one piece, and rest with the billions of thoughts by those who loved you. 

    I loved you. 

    It’s kinda not fair when you left us in such short noticed, when you were in your prime. You were just reliving your day-to-day preaching of the way of the religion. Of making sure that you got something to go by with your tiffin-full of bliss, and celestial worth of prayers, and In Sha Allah, lifetime of good deeds. 

    Dear, as I was saying, it’s kinda not fair that you left first. Getting to where I am now, of hardly forgetting of our life’s worth of friendship. Sometimes I forgotten about you, and I’m sorry. I still have your round-shaped pillow that you gave me on my birthday, wait, was it my birthday? I still hold on dearly to your self-written lyrics to a song that I faintly remember the melody to it. Dear, all I’m saying when I say it was unfair, I was actually envious of you. 

    You don’t have to face the atrocious world. You get to rest and enjoy your time until we get called upon one fine day, and In Sha Allah, we’ll hold each other’s hand, and meet again. While me on the other hand, I gotta live. I gotta face the endless brutal reality, of discriminations, of hatred, of broken hearts, of failures, of this tireless war of the heart, of commitments of being an adult, bit by bit growing as a matured man. But when I think back, dearly beloved, I live dear. I live for my parents, for my family, for my friends, for my love one, for the people who loves me, and above all, I gotta live for myself. 

    Dear, with this iron heart, I promise you, that I will never, EVER, forget about how you fought your own battle. Of how each one of us is struggling with our own demon, and at the end of the day, it’s just the matter of which demon we feed the most. 

    I don’t know dear, for as far as I’m seeing this, you’re the lucky one that got to live your life the fullest and was given the chance with your last breathe, calmly, in peace, and faithful to your God. And I’ll keep fighting this uncertainty, this dilemma, this daily battle, and I’ll be sitting here for the next…I don’t know, 10 years? 20 years? Wondering, when can I get to finally exhale.

    Muzakkir Nur Syafiq Mesni
    1991 – 2010
    Al-Fatihah


  • In all humbleness, I’ve come to my senses to write an impactful story to tell. This is my side of the coin that you flipped. I chose tail and you chose head. We got head, and we’re okay with it. During a relationship, there are no specific manual on how to maneuver the wheel. It’s like an accord, both parties signed it, both parties agreed to whatever written black and white on it. But oftentimes we forgot that there’s a grey line, super fine, that we need to look into when it comes to steering two hearts in the stormy ocean ahead. We played good cops bad cops and prayed to God that we don’t get to be the bad cop. People don’t like the bad cop. Bad cop is bad. Bad cop is the reason of all crimes, punishable, downright shameful and troublesome. Unfortunately, in times and times again, I got to be the bad cop. No excuse, just a shameless title put upon me. BAD COP.

    You asked of how many chances I want for this relationship. I said I want thousands and more. I want to fix things and make it right I seldom forgot it was the right by your law. It was the right by your choices. It was the right by your preference. On the surface it was clouded by the spitting image of “the right by the righteous rights.” but in truth, nobody knows.

    And in those moments of me being the bad cops, people would just throw words and judgment. I made the wrong choice, I screw up, I fucked up. In the famous one-liner “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” The power to change yourself. I’m changing. God knows I’m trying. Staying loyal is in short supply this days, but when you go back and remember of all the good times we’ve had together, the slow dance, the body-shaming, the cuddles, the spooning, the laughter, the movies, the songs, the drive-thrus, the sleep-overs, the cook off, the grocery shoppings, and the down trends. The tears, the fights, the sulks, the raising-voice, the betrayals, the cheatings, the affairs and as per I’m saying, staying loyal comes in a very short supply. Nobody wants to betray nobody.

    We have had tons of good fights. Tears running like waterfall, sob like we’re at someone’s funeral, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, confused and losing a part of ourselves. Your main goal is to love me unconditionally, but as all conversation goes, you need to know what’s mine too. My goal is not to disappoint you, and oftentimes, when I got to be the bad cops, it’s numbing. I’m always in the wrong track of time, of law, of luck. We’re both adults, and we’re both hate wasting times at petty fights and unnecessary conversations. But fights and conversations are the empirical prove that we’re communicating. And you’re a firm believer that communicating wasn’t enough. Both needs to comprehend the situation and respond accordingly. But what if fights are the only thing that kept us going so far? What if this relationship is standing on a thin thread of fights alone.

    I’m not used to the idea of fitting in the mold of typical couple with their typical activities. But that wasn’t thrill, this was wrong. I’ve learnt my lesson, my ego is bruised, and it breaks me seeing you disappointed in me. Like I failed to be the guy you’ve always wanted me to be.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. When you pushed me away, and you said I should go and be with whoever I please except you. But whenever I tried to please you, it comes out bullshit and cheesy and I felt useless. Remember that I was about to leave and I choked on the word of asking you to help me unlock the door cause I don’t have the keys to the padlock.

    Just know that, begging someone to love you is piercing hurt. But begging you to let me go, that’s a different level of pain. It’s agonizing. I’m going just because to see you’re happy with someone else and not stuck with a bad cop like me. I’m going because you asked me to leave. I hate myself seeing you sad. I hate myself that I keep disappointing you. I hate myself for it. Whatever happened tonight was a different kind of drain. Drain to the soul, to the mind alike. And when you simply whisper stay, that’s when I know you’re giving me a chance. Perhaps the last one? Nobody knows.

    Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. But whatever happened after last night is a different story altogether.


  • First of all, it’s the very definition of having someone mutually affectionate towards you that lit the fire. You can have self-love but to how long it will bend before it breaks. I used to have everything. Good job, good pay, good friends, good companion, but it all changed when I know the last person I can count on is me. I gotta be that selfish guy micro-managing everything by myself. Everything. I’ve always been the private one. I rarely talk about what’s going on in my mind unless someone is smart enough to pull out the story from my throat, word by word.

    Aku bukan jenis yang suka nak jaja cerita sendiri, or millennial term for it is, humble bragging. Posting it up on social media and let people know that you’re facing an alarming problem that the rest of the world should turn their heads to you. NOPE. I’ll pass. Even those who are super close to me; I’ll choose my words wisely before I start talking. Some people only want the juice and nothing more, they want your suffering so they could sell to someone else later on. Some are really undoubtedly genuine to hear you out, but what makes it different is how the listener reacts to it, and what comes after.

    Aku rasa harini paling mencabar untuk aku. Work is tiring, body is exhausting, energy is draining, and love, love is fading. Loving who? That’s not quite the question, but rather, loving when. You see, the condition will change drastically when you ask someone, who are you dating? So the answer should always be the name of someone-someone. But make it rather, ambiguous by asking, when do you love?

    Kalau kau yakin dengan pilihan kau, soalan tu senang je. Kau dah boleh jawab dengan sepantas kilat. Bila kau rasa orang yg kau jalinkan hubungan sekarang ni positif jodoh kau, you just gotta answer it right there and then. Aku pernah bercinta dengan orang yang tak reti ekspreskan apa yang dia rasa. Sampai aku sendiri kena jerit depan muka dia, suruh dia cakap apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia nak luahkan. Sebiji macam director Ahmad Nisfu sumpah seranah suruh talent dia dalam sesi screen test.

    Ironically, I’m doing it now. I’m doing the silent screen test. Bukan sebab aku tak reti ekspreskan apa yang terbuku dalam kepala dan dada aku. Aku takut orang tak pandai react mcm mana cara aku micro-manage perasaan aku ni. Better aku simpan sendiri. I acted cold, but I’m also good at it.

    After work just now I took a grab home. It was a silent drive with a faint lousy music coming out from the radio, but my head is exploding with thoughts and suggestive imaginations. It was loud and I almost forgot that I’m in a stranger’s car. I tried to suppress all this emotions and not letting them out, not even a sniff of me sobbing. Crying, but silently, so loud, but deafening.

    Grab berhenti depan rumah. Samar2 aku dengar suara orang. Only after a few seconds baru aku perasan yang kenderaan dah berhenti depan rumah aku.

    “Cik?” soal pemandu Grab tadi. Dia menoleh ke arah aku. Cepat2 aku seka air mata, tapi dia perasan.
    “Cik ok?” Aku angguk, seraya menarik senyum kelat paksa. Aku kutip semua barang aku, tapi sebelum aku buka pintu kereta, pemandu grab tadi pesan.

    “Cik, hidup ni memang susah sikit. Kena struggle, kadang-kadang kita dekat atas, kadang-kadang kita dekat bawah. Walaupun kita rasa macam kita tempuh semua benda sorang-sorang, rasa macam kita dah paling malang, percayalah, kita sebenarnya jauh lagi beruntung dari sesetengah orang. Kita kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Saya tak nak lah masuk campur dalam hal cik, tapi saya cuma nak berkongsi satu ayat yang selalu saya pegang, dari bekas majikan saya."

    "If you found yourself lost in the middle of the road, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way. Sorrylah, English saya berterabur sikit, maklumlah, pemandu grab je. ” Dia berikan senyuman lebar untuk aku. Aku balas senyuman tu, and I felt the warmth of showing kindness.

    Well that how it works aint it? When you show love and compassion, the world will find its route to show it back to you. Yes, the world is tough, sometimes you’re uphill, sometimes you’re at rock bottom. You gotta figure out your ways to play with it. Macam driver grab tadi cakap, although you’re lost in the middle of the road, that doesn’t mean that can’t find your way. Be it way back, or way ahead. And in my case, I’m stuck in the middle. But the best thing about being at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. Up. It’s funny when you’re at your most vulnerable, when you no longer can control those involuntarily tears fall down, and when all hope seems lost, there’s a stranger giving you wise words.

    Life can knock me. It breaks on every body, sometimes the tears are a reminder that you’re a mere human. You can get drown in your own feels but I also need to put on a reminder to myself, that I’m a tough nut to crack.

  • 12/9/2018

    Hidup kalau mengikut kehendak hati, mati. Kau cari kedamaian dari pundak seorang lelaki, kau tak akan aman dengan nafsu dia yang berubah-ubah macam pantai kena bah dengan ombak. Kau cari ketenangan dengan genggaman tangan pasangan kau, seperti menggenggam bara api yang sah belum punya ikatan halal, tapi kau halalkan ikut budaya dan akhirnya kau bakar diri sendiri. Sejauh mana janji seorang anak Adam itu boleh dipercayai? Dalam sejarah manusia, kau tak payah Islamisasikan cerita ni, nabi Adam dibuang syurga kerana terikut hasutan pasangannya Hawa makan buah larangan. Siapa yang punya angkara? Kau nak salahkan Hawa? Hawa pun kena goda dengan makhluk api tu. Memang naluri seorang yang bernama manusia, mengikut nafsu dan melanggar peraturan. Tapi hanya asbab kita diberikan akal oleh Allah S.W.T, kita dipilih menjadi khalifahNya di muka bumi untuk mengepalai sekalian makhluk. Jangan kita sendiri yang menjadi makhluk mengikut nubari dan bukan akal fikiran kurniaanNYA.

    Entah kenapa Iji terasa cendol Jalan Kubur pahit semacam. Dia menolak mangkuk cendol tadi perlahan. Win memandang Iji hairan. 

    “Kau yang ajak aku menyendol, kenapa tak makan?” Win setia menyuap mee ayam panas-panas berwap kaca mata dia.

    “Aku tak selera.” Iji tak pandang muka Win. Win meletakkan sudunya ke dalam mangkuk dan berpaling ke arah Iji.

    Win mengeluh. Dia memandang Iji dengan pandangan simpati. 

    “Dia yang minta putus Win, aku ni, masih sayangkan dia” 

    “Ya, betul. Dah seribu kali aku dengar lelaki tu yang minta putus, bukan kau. Dan seribu kali juga aku dengar kau cakap kau masih sayangkan dia. Aku tak suruh kau putus asa pasal perasaan kau dekat dia, aku nak nasihatkan kau untuk tak putus asa dengan hidup kau”

    “Aku dah cuba nak lupakan dia Win. Macam ni rupanya rasa kena buang,”

    “Hey” Win memandang Iji tepat ke dalam dua biji matanya. ”Kau nak salahkan siapa?” Iji senyap. “Kau nak salahkan dia? Sebab minta putus? Kau nak salahkan diri kau? Sebab kononnya kau bukan yang terbaik untuk dia? Kau nak salahkan siapa? Tuhan? Senang-senang cakap, jodoh tak panjang, macam tu?” Mata Iji berkaca.

    “Orang kahwin 50 tahun pun boleh bercerai Iji, ini kan korang yang baru tiga tahun BERCINTA, tak ada hubungan halal akad ke apa.”

    “Tiga tahun ni lama tau, aku turutkan setia aku untuk dia seorang je.” Iji mengelap air matanya yang mengalir laju.

    “Kat situlah kau silap Ji, benda pelik pasal setia ni, soal hati. Kau ingatkan aku balik, dia cakap apa dekat kau masa dia minta putus haritu?” Iji berpaling. Enggan menjawab soalan Win.

    “Dia rasa kosong, dia dah tak ada perasaan Ji. Sebab tu aku cakap, soal hati ni bukan boleh kita pegang masuk dalam sampul, gam guna gam gajah, bukan kerja kita. Bergolok gadai nak membuktikan cinta seutuh gunung mana pun, kalau hati dia tu dah memang tak nak dekat kita, memang tak boleh buat apa dah.” Iji mula menangis. Dia tidak pedulikan pelanggan lain di warung.

    “Bukan kau sepatutnya pujuk aku ke?” Win geleng.

    "Itulah yang pelik bin hairan pasal cinta ni Iji, kita memang boleh suka dekat sesiapa pun yang kita nak suka, tapi kena ingat, diorang pun boleh" Win mengusap bahu Iji perlahan.
    ...

    Iji terdetik sendiri. Lama dia merenung ke bawah, boleh tahan jauh menjunam gaung Bukit Kluang ni. Takkan dia nak cabut nyawa sendiri? Habis tu malaikat pencabut nyawa nak buat apa? Goyang kaki? Dia biarkan angin kuat menampar pipinya, membelai rambutnya, terasa lebih nyaman dari tangan kasar lelaki bertopeng syaitan yang membelai rambutnya sebelum ini. Kepura-puraan. Dia teringat apa yang dia hamburkan pada Win.

    “Kalau ini keputusan dia, aku akan tutup pintu hati aku sampai bila-bila! Biarlah! Biar aku tak kahwin sampai hujung nyawa aku!”

    Iji tersengih sendiri. Manusia, kalau sedang berkocak emosi, segala kata cacian dia muntahkan, segala benda yang dia pernah suka jadi benci, segala kata kesat yang dia tak suka dengar dia yang luahkan sendiri. Kalau pun betul yang dia nak tutup pintu hati buat selama-lamanya, agar tak ada seorang kaum Adam pun dapat tembus nak jual madah cinta palsu dengan dia lagi, dia tersentak. Kononnya pandu jauh sampai ke negeri orang nak cari ketenangan, dah panjat bukit sampai mengah tak cukup oksigen ke otak, kaki nak tercabut, masih tak dapat ketenangan yang dicari-cari. Sekali lagi dia teringat, tetapi kali ini apa yang Win hamburkan pada dia.

    “Kat mana pun kau hilangkan diri mencari ketenangan, mencari diri kau sendiri, kalau Allah tak izinkan, kau tak akan dapat ketenangan tu. Kau pernah bagitahu aku, Dia yang pegang hati orang, Dia boleh buat orang tu suka pada kita, atau pun benci pada kita, tapi kau jangan lupa Ji, Dia juga yang pegang hati kau. Dengan izin Dia yang Maha Kuasa, Dia sahaja yang boleh berikan kau ketenangan. Total.”

    Iji meraup romannya yang tak sedar dah basah beberapa titis air matanya mengalir laju. Awan kumulonimbus bersatu perlahan. Mendung berarak memayungi bukit Kluang. Tanda hari nak hujan. Baiknya hari akan sejuk dan dingin, yang tak baiknya, Iji akan terperangkap atas bukit Kluang. Dia mengatur langkah untuk hike-down. Sebelum itu, dia pandang merinding ke hadapan. Pulau Perhentian Besar, ke hadapan lagi, terbentang luas Laut China Selatan. Kalau ke utara sedikit sudah masuk ke Teluk Thailand, kalau ke Selatan lagi sudah masuk ke Archipelago Riau.

    Usai dia menjejak kaki ke tanah rata, dia terus menuju ke sebuah surau berdekatan. Dia sucikan diri dengan wudhu dan solat hajat dua rakaat. Semahunya dia berdoa dalam sujud rakaat terakhir. Iji bangun memberi salam. Dia menadah tangan, meminta doa bukan untuk dijodohkan dengan orang yang baik-baik lagi, dia minta agar hatinya kuat menongkah dugaan yang Tuhannya sendiri dah tulis untuknya.

    Dia fokus ke hadapan, tirai yang menghalang ruang solat lelaki dan perempuan. Dan saat dia merinding tertumpu ke hadapan itulah hatinya dijentik oleh Tuhan. Iji mendapat ketenangan yang dia cari, meditasi dari pemanduan dia beratus kilometer dari ibu kota semata-mata ingin mencari kesejahteraan hati. Bukan di atas puncak bukit tinggi Tuhan berikan kedamaian itu, Dia rindukan doa-doa hambaNya yang sedang berduka lara. Atas hamparan bersujud kepadaNya, Iji mengalirkan air mata terharu. Dia hanya merancang, tapi perancangan Allah itulah rancangan yang paling baik. Lantas dia sujud syukur.

    "Aku berbisik pada bumi-Mu ya Allah, agar terdengar di langit-Mu"

    Tamat.
  • Greetings. Welcome to my humble portfolio compatible to blog format. Please feel free to comb thru the photos as they have been categorized together according to their titled group. All works are original unless stated so. Images used were outsourced from google pictures. Half of the works are assignment based for academic purposes and are not for outside use. My editing works varies from theater posters, documentary posters, assignments posters, up to test shoot (editorial photoshoot). 

    Disclaimer: In a lot of the Editorial photoshoot, I was potrayed as the main model, but these were all just for personal fun. I am not a professional, paid or trained model but open for any possibilities. The shoots are mainly for personal use and collection only.

    1. Theater Posters
    Senteri Mungkar (1st Show 2015)

    Samaran Karma (2nd Show 2016)

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 1st Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 2nd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 3rd Version

    Kintsugi (3rd Show 2016) 4th Version

    Kintsugi (Reprise Show 2017) New Version

    Maharani (4th Show 2018)

    2. Video Assignment Posters
    Orkid : Short Film (2015)
    #switchoffthestereo : Documentary (2017)
    Stepmom : Reprise Short Film (2017) 
    Fitting In : Documentary (Mock-up Poster) (2017)
    Fitting In : Documentary (Tilt Version) (2017)
    3. Assignments Posters
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Book Cover Version)
    The Tell-Tale Heart (Movie Poster Version)
    Language At The Workplace Poster : Report Writing
    Si Tenggang Homecoming : Poster

    4. Editorial Shoots (Personal Collection)

    i) Open Season Photoshoot 
    (Photographed & Edited by Mietography) Click on the word Mietography and feel free to browse through their website for more editorial photoshoot that I've co-directed with the team.

    ii) #switchoffthestereo Test Shoot

    iii) WHACK Album Photoshoot 
    (Photographed by Mietography, Fully edited by myself)


    iv) The Nocturnals 
    (2018 Aidilfitri Photoshoot) Featuring the whole family, it has become an annual tradition for us to gather and work for an editorial shoot with the whole family during Raya.

    1st Teaser
    2nd Teaser
    3rd Concept Teaser
    4th Concept Teaser

    End of Portfolio (as updated on 4th of July 2018) 
    *to be updated from time to time. 

    Appreciate your stay.