A Safekeeping Journal of the Fatherless Children: Commentary

In all seriousness, deaths, and departures were supposed to teach you a thing or two on life. Our times are borrowed, never ours, and we shall return to our owner; i.e Allah swt. I just noticed that this was the third year I didn't dedicate any tribute posts to arwah Akir. The first of my close friends I lost was during my early days of learning the curve of life. Akir thought me the importance of detachment. It's okay to feel hurt, disappointed, and sad for one's passing. But you'll have to keep on living, for those who're still around you. Don't stop living, and never stop loving. 

I also lost Bang Min in 2021. He was tragically taken away from us due to the inevitable pandemic. 2022 was the year that I lost my Opah, and this year, was Abah's turn to leave us. I've seen to many deaths, that my mind quickly overturn and switched to soak all the sadness and never showing it on the surface. I drown myself in work, in the hope to bottle it up, and not disturbing my daily routine. 

But all I did was, create a ticking time bomb. Waiting for it to explode. When it gets too much, too overwhelming, and my suppressing mind couldn't hold it anymore, it burst. I burst.

What I admire the most of the post-event, that how many new things, knowledge, and skills I've learned, so that I could say, *I'm one death wiser. It was definitely taxing, but when you put your nawaitu straight, you'll learn the beauty of letting go. Of no longer getting sudden sobs, and weeping, of no longer attaching any unnecessary loads to someone who's already calmly passed. I wouldn't say that you should stop reminiscing, nor remembering them, but I would highly suggest, ALL the good times, cherish the moments you've lived together, instead of any bad memories. or any negative thoughts altogether. 

It's overwhelming, and easier said than done. But trust me, when you get to the part that you are no longer attached to the passing, instead you're focusing more on the good part, great memories, and you'll feel this light breeze of detachment. You'll have an easier time moving on, not necessarily a bad thing to forget, but moving on from the bitter days. 

You know, in my fair share of having to manage feelings of regret that people I loved the most passed away first before I did, and these two hands are the very hands that catch the frozen bodies to put them in their final resting place, I gotta say, I wasn't having a freckle of sadness during the whole ordeal. I have this tight switch that I managed to flick to keep focusing on getting the job done. The depressing episodes of knowing that they're gone, the body reclamation from the hospital, the silent way home knowing you'll have to deal with your loved one's passing. The bathing, shrouding, the final prayers, sending them to the burial site, down to the burial itself. At that point, all I'm thinking was, to ease everything up, so I could send them away, peacefully, and smoothly, and mourn later. 

Unfortunately for me, the latter part, came a bit too late. Nowadays, it came waaaay too late. So it's never wrong for you to take your time off from classes/work/socializing, go ahead and flush out your feelings before it begins to eat you from the inside. That'll never be good. 

In my recent experience of my dad's passing, I encountered some new things that I needed to take ownership of. Give everyone ample time to heal from the heart-breaking news, especially my mom. She tends to feel angst about it, but eventually, all of us would remember that the hardest part of it, shall pass as well. On a different note, personally, I'll learn to grow stronger than yesterday, I've always had problems saying goodbyes before, but now, parting is just a law in nature. Everyone you said hi to, you would eventually say bye to. Some with a hug, some with a simple handshake, some with a brief nod, and some may not even receive any of it. But for the better, that's how things work out. Sometimes we get to relish the people that we love, sometimes, appreciating wasn't enough. You gotta show it with words, actions, and foremost, love wholeheartedly, cause you would never know, when is the last time you're gonna wave them goodbye. 

Dealing with the departure of your parents probably is the worst. You have to wake up every single day, knowing you'll never see them again. For the rest of your lives, keep on praying for their well-being in the hereafter, and we shall meet again one day, in the afterlife. 

All and all, we're just flocks of birds, trying to catch the wind, take flight, glide thru the bright blue sky, Wondering if we could've stayed flying, soaring, and hovering on the clouds, and one day we'll stop.