Palladium

First of all, it’s the very definition of having someone mutually affectionate towards you that lit the fire. You can have self-love but to how long it will bend before it breaks. I used to have everything. Good job, good pay, good friends, good companion, but it all changed when I know the last person I can count on is me. I gotta be that selfish guy micro-managing everything by myself. Everything. I’ve always been the private one. I rarely talk about what’s going on in my mind unless someone is smart enough to pull out the story from my throat, word by word.

Aku bukan jenis yang suka nak jaja cerita sendiri, or millennial term for it is, humble bragging. Posting it up on social media and let people know that you’re facing an alarming problem that the rest of the world should turn their heads to you. NOPE. I’ll pass. Even those who are super close to me; I’ll choose my words wisely before I start talking. Some people only want the juice and nothing more, they want your suffering so they could sell to someone else later on. Some are really undoubtedly genuine to hear you out, but what makes it different is how the listener reacts to it, and what comes after.

Aku rasa harini paling mencabar untuk aku. Work is tiring, body is exhausting, energy is draining, and love, love is fading. Loving who? That’s not quite the question, but rather, loving when. You see, the condition will change drastically when you ask someone, who are you dating? So the answer should always be the name of someone-someone. But make it rather, ambiguous by asking, when do you love?

Kalau kau yakin dengan pilihan kau, soalan tu senang je. Kau dah boleh jawab dengan sepantas kilat. Bila kau rasa orang yg kau jalinkan hubungan sekarang ni positif jodoh kau, you just gotta answer it right there and then. Aku pernah bercinta dengan orang yang tak reti ekspreskan apa yang dia rasa. Sampai aku sendiri kena jerit depan muka dia, suruh dia cakap apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia nak luahkan. Sebiji macam director Ahmad Nisfu sumpah seranah suruh talent dia dalam sesi screen test.

Ironically, I’m doing it now. I’m doing the silent screen test. Bukan sebab aku tak reti ekspreskan apa yang terbuku dalam kepala dan dada aku. Aku takut orang tak pandai react mcm mana cara aku micro-manage perasaan aku ni. Better aku simpan sendiri. I acted cold, but I’m also good at it.

After work just now I took a grab home. It was a silent drive with a faint lousy music coming out from the radio, but my head is exploding with thoughts and suggestive imaginations. It was loud and I almost forgot that I’m in a stranger’s car. I tried to suppress all this emotions and not letting them out, not even a sniff of me sobbing. Crying, but silently, so loud, but deafening.

Grab berhenti depan rumah. Samar2 aku dengar suara orang. Only after a few seconds baru aku perasan yang kenderaan dah berhenti depan rumah aku.

“Cik?” soal pemandu Grab tadi. Dia menoleh ke arah aku. Cepat2 aku seka air mata, tapi dia perasan.

“Cik ok?” Aku angguk, seraya menarik senyum kelat paksa. Aku kutip semua barang aku, tapi sebelum aku buka pintu kereta, pemandu grab tadi pesan.

“Cik, hidup ni memang susah sikit. Kena struggle, kadang-kadang kita dekat atas, kadang-kadang kita dekat bawah. Walaupun kita rasa macam kita tempuh semua benda sorang-sorang, rasa macam kita dah paling malang, percayalah, kita sebenarnya jauh lagi beruntung dari sesetengah orang. Kita kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Saya tak nak lah masuk campur dalam hal cik, tapi saya cuma nak berkongsi satu ayat yang selalu saya pegang, dari bekas majikan saya."

"If you found yourself lost in the middle of the road, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way. Sorrylah, English saya berterabur sikit, maklumlah, pemandu grab je. ” Dia berikan senyuman lebar untuk aku. Aku balas senyuman tu, and I felt the warmth of showing kindness.

Well that how it works aint it? When you show love and compassion, the world will find its route to show it back to you. Yes, the world is tough, sometimes you’re uphill, sometimes you’re at rock bottom. You gotta figure out your ways to play with it. Macam driver grab tadi cakap, although you’re lost in the middle of the road, that doesn’t mean that can’t find your way. Be it way back, or way ahead. And in my case, I’m stuck in the middle. But the best thing about being at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. Up. It’s funny when you’re at your most vulnerable, when you no longer can control those involuntarily tears fall down, and when all hope seems lost, there’s a stranger giving you wise words.

Life can knock me. It breaks on every body, sometimes the tears are a reminder that you’re a mere human. You can get drown in your own feels but I also need to put on a reminder to myself, that I’m a tough nut to crack.