What Happens After Tonight?

In all humbleness, I’ve come to my senses to write an impactful story to tell. This is my side of the coin that you flipped. I chose tail and you chose head. We got head, and we’re okay with it. During a relationship, there are no specific manual on how to maneuver the wheel. It’s like an accord, both parties signed it, both parties agreed to whatever written black and white on it. But oftentimes we forgot that there’s a grey line, super fine, that we need to look into when it comes to steering two hearts in the stormy ocean ahead. We played good cops bad cops and prayed to God that we don’t get to be the bad cop. People don’t like the bad cop. Bad cop is bad. Bad cop is the reason of all crimes, punishable, downright shameful and troublesome. Unfortunately, in times and times again, I got to be the bad cop. No excuse, just a shameless title put upon me. BAD COP.

You asked of how many chances I want for this relationship. I said I want thousands and more. I want to fix things and make it right I seldom forgot it was the right by your law. It was the right by your choices. It was the right by your preference. On the surface it was clouded by the spitting image of “the right by the righteous rights.” but in truth, nobody knows.

And in those moments of me being the bad cops, people would just throw words and judgment. I made the wrong choice, I screw up, I fucked up. In the famous one-liner “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” The power to change yourself. I’m changing. God knows I’m trying. Staying loyal is in short supply this days, but when you go back and remember of all the good times we’ve had together, the slow dance, the body-shaming, the cuddles, the spooning, the laughter, the movies, the songs, the drive-thrus, the sleep-overs, the cook off, the grocery shoppings, and the down trends. The tears, the fights, the sulks, the raising-voice, the betrayals, the cheatings, the affairs and as per I’m saying, staying loyal comes in a very short supply. Nobody wants to betray nobody.

We have had tons of good fights. Tears running like waterfall, sob like we’re at someone’s funeral, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, confused and losing a part of ourselves. Your main goal is to love me unconditionally, but as all conversation goes, you need to know what’s mine too. My goal is not to disappoint you, and oftentimes, when I got to be the bad cops, it’s numbing. I’m always in the wrong track of time, of law, of luck. We’re both adults, and we’re both hate wasting times at petty fights and unnecessary conversations. But fights and conversations are the empirical prove that we’re communicating. And you’re a firm believer that communicating wasn’t enough. Both needs to comprehend the situation and respond accordingly. But what if fights are the only thing that kept us going so far? What if this relationship is standing on a thin thread of fights alone.

I’m not used to the idea of fitting in the mold of typical couple with their typical activities. But that wasn’t thrill, this was wrong. I’ve learnt my lesson, my ego is bruised, and it breaks me seeing you disappointed in me. Like I failed to be the guy you’ve always wanted me to be.

Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. When you pushed me away, and you said I should go and be with whoever I please except you. But whenever I tried to please you, it comes out bullshit and cheesy and I felt useless. Remember that I was about to leave and I choked on the word of asking you to help me unlock the door cause I don’t have the keys to the padlock.

Just know that, begging someone to love you is piercing hurt. But begging you to let me go, that’s a different level of pain. It’s agonizing. I’m going just because to see you’re happy with someone else and not stuck with a bad cop like me. I’m going because you asked me to leave. I hate myself seeing you sad. I hate myself that I keep disappointing you. I hate myself for it. Whatever happened tonight was a different kind of drain. Drain to the soul, to the mind alike. And when you simply whisper stay, that’s when I know you’re giving me a chance. Perhaps the last one? Nobody knows.

Have you ever felt that you love someone so much it hurts? That’s what I felt last night. But whatever happened after last night is a different story altogether.