Against The Gushing Wind

This wasn’t necessarily gonna be the sappy entry or the typical tribute post for you dear. This was the hit-hard, slap-hard, that I got just a few hours ago. The reality is that, you’re gone, and I got to live. You’re gone, and I got to mourn of your lost. You’re gone, and I have to tender to my sobbing feelings. 

Dear, it was 10 years. Flew so fricking fast! Could I look back at how we met? Of your warm hugs and witty remarks, and how you’ve made yourself a fool. A smart fool it is. Dear when you left, the sky was a jarring grey and there was thunderstorm. When you left, the whole campus was wet, with rain, and tears. But you get to leave in one piece, and rest with the billions of thoughts by those who loved you. 

I loved you. 

It’s kinda not fair when you left us in such short noticed, when you were in your prime. You were just reliving your day-to-day preaching of the way of the religion. Of making sure that you got something to go by with your tiffin-full of bliss, and celestial worth of prayers, and In Sha Allah, lifetime of good deeds. 

Dear, as I was saying, it’s kinda not fair that you left first. Getting to where I am now, of hardly forgetting of our life’s worth of friendship. Sometimes I forgotten about you, and I’m sorry. I still have your round-shaped pillow that you gave me on my birthday, wait, was it my birthday? I still hold on dearly to your self-written lyrics to a song that I faintly remember the melody to it. Dear, all I’m saying when I say it was unfair, I was actually envious of you. 

You don’t have to face the atrocious world. You get to rest and enjoy your time until we get called upon one fine day, and In Sha Allah, we’ll hold each other’s hand, and meet again. While me on the other hand, I gotta live. I gotta face the endless brutal reality, of discriminations, of hatred, of broken hearts, of failures, of this tireless war of the heart, of commitments of being an adult, bit by bit growing as a matured man. But when I think back, dearly beloved, I live dear. I live for my parents, for my family, for my friends, for my love one, for the people who loves me, and above all, I gotta live for myself. 

Dear, with this iron heart, I promise you, that I will never, EVER, forget about how you fought your own battle. Of how each one of us is struggling with our own demon, and at the end of the day, it’s just the matter of which demon we feed the most. 

I don’t know dear, for as far as I’m seeing this, you’re the lucky one that got to live your life the fullest and was given the chance with your last breathe, calmly, in peace, and faithful to your God. And I’ll keep fighting this uncertainty, this dilemma, this daily battle, and I’ll be sitting here for the next…I don’t know, 10 years? 20 years? Wondering, when can I get to finally exhale.

Muzakkir Nur Syafiq Mesni
1991 – 2010
Al-Fatihah